My Kerrith Ravine

A dear friend faithfully kept my ramblings penned while in jail, just over a year ago. Re-reading those unmedicated diatribes presents me with a chilling portrait of just how sick I was, but also serves to validate how far I have come. Suffering from a treatable mental illness is OK now, with treatment. I didn't always think so.

But even at the worst of my illness, in jail for months without treatment of any kind, I can see how God had me all along. From June 30, 2008: "Today I was actually able to rise before the morning cacophony and get in my Bible study. Chapters 30-31 of Proverbs, 1 Cor 13, a Psalm and some readings from John and Matthew. Recognized something today from my readings I had not noticed before. While all the Gospels record Peter's denial of Jesus 3 times - only John records Peters' having been restored to fellowship with the Lord.

"Even more poignant is that Jesus ask Peter 3 times 'Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?' see John 21:15-19, the number of Peter's denials. [My sentence structure and punctuation excused, please] The passage reports that Peter was 'grieved' at being asked 3 times and I find myself identifying with Peter. I do not like to be questioned repeatedly - ESPECIALLY when I am guilty of something. I want to be forgiven without being made to feel guilty, yet that feeling of guilt is what brings on remorse, and remorse is what causes the behavioral change that demonstrates repentance; or at least in my world. I don't know that any notable theologians would agree with those thoughts."

After that passage, my writing disintegrates into some frightening observations of life in jail, much of which I recall with a shudder. But I see, in looking back, that I needed to be still and recover my contact with Him.

1 Kings 17 opens with the prophet Elijah being told to "Hide in the Kerith Ravine." Why hide out? Why be fed by ravens, a none-too-pleasant carrion feeder? And then to have to stay there until "Sometime later the brook dried up"? Elijah would need to look back on the experience to understand the why.

The purpose of my jail time I can't say for certain, but while there I did rediscover the value of alone time with God, and in a discipline of daily reading and prayer. I learned a lot about powerlessness and trust in Him. One way or the other, we must all learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may only last for a season, but the Giver is the only eternal love.

Kerith Ravine was a difficult problem for Elijah until he arrived at Zarephath, and suddenly everything became clear as daylight to him. Gods hard instructions are never His last word to us, for the woes, the waste, and the tears of life belong to its interlude, not its finale.