I have fought my share of battles - maybe more than my share. I have struggled with temptation, bad habits, poor attitudes and even worse decisions. I have had disappointment, emotional pain, and enough discouragement to last a lifetime. I am fighting battles right now and there are ever more looming.
But my plan is to win. My objective is to overcome every obstacle in my path, with God's help. And I am not special, just determined. You can do the same. You see, God has destined us all to overcome the world. That's why He sent His Son.
Moses, a stuttering murderer, was destined to overcome. Jonah overcame an unwilling attitude. Daniel and the three Hebrew young men overcame oppression and a walk through the incinerator. Ester and David overcame oppression and each saved their nation. Peter dealt with a bad temper, Paul a thorn in his flesh, John an exile to Patmos. All overcame the trial in their way.
Even today examples abound. Joni Eareckson-Tada (read her works, please) comes readily to mind. I even know some overcomers, too, though I will use initials to keep them guessing. J battled his way back from crippling depression to continue serving his congregation. M's wife left him for another man in their church. T's wife left him for another woman. I have met scores of men and women in recovery whose spouse's just left, leaving them to deal with the emotional scars created by abandonment and the knowledge that they drove love out of their life.
What is the lesson to take away from this? Most of my life I have believed that in order to overcome, I must defeat what I struggle with. This is not so - not by a long shot. To overcome something may mean that we rid ourself of the problem. But more often than not, to overcome something we must press on in spite of the problem.
I can't imagine that I am destined to save a nation, as David or Ester were. The chances of my being exiled like John, similarly remote. But I am destined to overcome addiction. I am called upon to defeat my bad attitudes and determined to make better choices. And the power to do so is given simply by praying, and believing it is so.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
To See God
If I see God in everything, He will calm and color everything I see. Perhaps the circumstances causing my sorrow will not be changed and the situation will not change either, but if I bring Christ into my grief and gloom as Lord and Master, He will "surround me with songs of deliverance". (Ps 32:7)
To see Him and to be sure that His wisdom and power never fail, and His love never changes, to know that even His most distressing dealings with me are for my deepest spiritual gain, is to be able to say in the midst of sorrow, loss and pain, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21)
Seeing God in everything is the only thing that will make me loving and patient with people who annoy, trouble and hurt me. Then I will see others as the instruments God uses to accomplish His tender and wise purpose for me. I can find myself inwardly thanking them (well, maybe someday) for the blessings that have come to me.
To see Him and to be sure that His wisdom and power never fail, and His love never changes, to know that even His most distressing dealings with me are for my deepest spiritual gain, is to be able to say in the midst of sorrow, loss and pain, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." (Job 1:21)
Seeing God in everything is the only thing that will make me loving and patient with people who annoy, trouble and hurt me. Then I will see others as the instruments God uses to accomplish His tender and wise purpose for me. I can find myself inwardly thanking them (well, maybe someday) for the blessings that have come to me.
Learning to Fly
"He guarded him... like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions. The Lord alone led him..." (Deut 32:10-12)
What a picture of love this is! God as a parent who delights in watching us grow up and learn to trust in the wings He has given us. He leads us to the edge of the precipice and nudges us into the void of thin air. He does that, not to frighten me, but to show me an as-yet-unrealized power to fly that adds to the comfort and joy of my life. He likes to see me soar.
But if, in my attempt to fly, I am exposed to some extraordinary peril, He is prepared to swoop beneath me, and carry me skyward on His mighty wings. Whenever He has allowed me to a position of unparalleled difficulty, I can always count on Him for deliverance!
What a picture of love this is! God as a parent who delights in watching us grow up and learn to trust in the wings He has given us. He leads us to the edge of the precipice and nudges us into the void of thin air. He does that, not to frighten me, but to show me an as-yet-unrealized power to fly that adds to the comfort and joy of my life. He likes to see me soar.
But if, in my attempt to fly, I am exposed to some extraordinary peril, He is prepared to swoop beneath me, and carry me skyward on His mighty wings. Whenever He has allowed me to a position of unparalleled difficulty, I can always count on Him for deliverance!
My First Review
"... verbose to the point of obesiity..."
The moon shattered the clouds before it,
"... soulless..."
so bright as to contest the supremacy of the day,
"... has not suffered enough..."
its effervescent blue-white light casting ghastly blue-black shadows,
"... the result of accountants using words instead of numbers."
crazed marionettes dancing under the wind manipulated trees.
I am smiling outwardly, and imensely pleased inwardly tonight, watching a full moon dance between scattered clouds. I pause to consider and reject some of the criticism one person has taken the time to record about my writing. I don't know this particular Adam from any other Adam but he was unimpressed with my work.
And I am thrilled! He was less than kind in his remarks. And I can't recall being more content with my work.
And as for being "soulless;" you won't know the value of your soul until you find it Adam.
The moon shattered the clouds before it,
"... soulless..."
so bright as to contest the supremacy of the day,
"... has not suffered enough..."
its effervescent blue-white light casting ghastly blue-black shadows,
"... the result of accountants using words instead of numbers."
crazed marionettes dancing under the wind manipulated trees.
I am smiling outwardly, and imensely pleased inwardly tonight, watching a full moon dance between scattered clouds. I pause to consider and reject some of the criticism one person has taken the time to record about my writing. I don't know this particular Adam from any other Adam but he was unimpressed with my work.
And I am thrilled! He was less than kind in his remarks. And I can't recall being more content with my work.
And as for being "soulless;" you won't know the value of your soul until you find it Adam.
Applying Lessons Learned
I lost track of this rant for a while
April 4, 2010
I recall a day when it dawned on me that some of the wisdom I was hearing in recovery was percolating through my thick skull. The day itself was not so memorable, it was the realization that maybe things were just not so bad as they seemed. That today just didn't suck as bad as yesterday.
Changes that develop in me over time may go unnoticed by me for prolonged periods. But because I desire them and am willing to work toward them they do come. My point of reference shifts even more slowly, or maybe it just moves less frequently than I do. Lying in the gutter, a gopher mound appears an insurmountable obstacle, but once on my feet I realize I can step over it handily.
The point of reference I am examining today is psychic change - the psychic change Dr. Silkworth wrote of for the first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous. That is the psychic change required to keep me away from a drink. That change becomes less and less about drinking with each passing day I do not drink. It becomes more and more about behavioral and attitudinal changes resulting from a change in my heart and in my mind.
Case in point; I am not the most observant of my own behaviors, thoughts or even my body. Monday and Thursday are doughnut days at my morning meeting. Since treatment for esophageal cancer swallowing has been painful. But one day it dawned on me as I was finishing my pastry that it hadn't been painful swallowing. It was merely uncomfortable. "When did that happen" was my thought.
As I grow in my recovery those types of experiences are becoming more common. "When did I stop being so resentful?" "When did I become anything that someone would describe as kind?" (That actually happened) "Why am I so comfortable with homelessness?" "How is it that I find battling cancer to be spiritually uplifting?" "Is it possible that I am smiling today? For no particular reason?"
At the end of my meetings a passage is read that states "[changes will come] sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." I think this to be somewhat inaccurate. These changes will materialize if we let them.
April 4, 2010
I recall a day when it dawned on me that some of the wisdom I was hearing in recovery was percolating through my thick skull. The day itself was not so memorable, it was the realization that maybe things were just not so bad as they seemed. That today just didn't suck as bad as yesterday.
Changes that develop in me over time may go unnoticed by me for prolonged periods. But because I desire them and am willing to work toward them they do come. My point of reference shifts even more slowly, or maybe it just moves less frequently than I do. Lying in the gutter, a gopher mound appears an insurmountable obstacle, but once on my feet I realize I can step over it handily.
The point of reference I am examining today is psychic change - the psychic change Dr. Silkworth wrote of for the first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous. That is the psychic change required to keep me away from a drink. That change becomes less and less about drinking with each passing day I do not drink. It becomes more and more about behavioral and attitudinal changes resulting from a change in my heart and in my mind.
Case in point; I am not the most observant of my own behaviors, thoughts or even my body. Monday and Thursday are doughnut days at my morning meeting. Since treatment for esophageal cancer swallowing has been painful. But one day it dawned on me as I was finishing my pastry that it hadn't been painful swallowing. It was merely uncomfortable. "When did that happen" was my thought.
As I grow in my recovery those types of experiences are becoming more common. "When did I stop being so resentful?" "When did I become anything that someone would describe as kind?" (That actually happened) "Why am I so comfortable with homelessness?" "How is it that I find battling cancer to be spiritually uplifting?" "Is it possible that I am smiling today? For no particular reason?"
At the end of my meetings a passage is read that states "[changes will come] sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." I think this to be somewhat inaccurate. These changes will materialize if we let them.
The Coffee blonde
One of the coolest things about writing is that I can plagiarize myself and call it editing my own work.
Blonde and breathless,
And a flurry of curls;
A whirlwind of activity
Flowing from hither to fro -
Yet simple, uncomplicated,
Elegant, beautiful.
The window casts a light
On the delicate white
Curve of her neck,
Setting tresses ablaze
And there falling lights strong hands
Caught in simple service.
What innumerable follies
Lay waste my thoughts;
This everyday image
Calling me through soul silence,
Catching me as I read
And pen these lines.
Blonde and breathless,
And a flurry of curls;
A whirlwind of activity
Flowing from hither to fro -
Yet simple, uncomplicated,
Elegant, beautiful.
The window casts a light
On the delicate white
Curve of her neck,
Setting tresses ablaze
And there falling lights strong hands
Caught in simple service.
What innumerable follies
Lay waste my thoughts;
This everyday image
Calling me through soul silence,
Catching me as I read
And pen these lines.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Cycles
She rose above her surroundings,
As if by nature,
hair of burnished bronze
Seemingly hand rubbed to a fine luster.
Eyes blue and bright
As the skies overhead -
Sparkling eyes
That mirror the meadows dew.
She was large-hearted,
And merry, and frank
Because of her fearlessness,
of her consciousness of power.
Yet change set in,
With prosperity and adversity,
New faces coming,
Old ones departing.
And the next cycle,
On which none can impact,
Creates a new colony,
Fortunes repeated from the last.
As if by nature,
hair of burnished bronze
Seemingly hand rubbed to a fine luster.
Eyes blue and bright
As the skies overhead -
Sparkling eyes
That mirror the meadows dew.
She was large-hearted,
And merry, and frank
Because of her fearlessness,
of her consciousness of power.
Yet change set in,
With prosperity and adversity,
New faces coming,
Old ones departing.
And the next cycle,
On which none can impact,
Creates a new colony,
Fortunes repeated from the last.
To See Beyond
If we could see beyond today
As God can see;
If all the clouds should roll away,
The shadows flee;
Over present griefs we would not fret.
Each sorrow we would soon forget,
For many joys are waiting yet
For you and me.
If we could know beyond today
As God does know,
Why dearest treasures pass away
And tears must flow;
And why the darkness leads to light,
Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;
Some day life's wrongs will be made right,
Faith tells us so.
"If we could see, if we could know,"
We often say.
But God, in love, a veil does throw
Across our way;
We cannot see what lies before,
And so we cling to Him the more,
He leads us 'till this life is o'er;
Trust and obey.
As God can see;
If all the clouds should roll away,
The shadows flee;
Over present griefs we would not fret.
Each sorrow we would soon forget,
For many joys are waiting yet
For you and me.
If we could know beyond today
As God does know,
Why dearest treasures pass away
And tears must flow;
And why the darkness leads to light,
Why dreary paths will soon grow bright;
Some day life's wrongs will be made right,
Faith tells us so.
"If we could see, if we could know,"
We often say.
But God, in love, a veil does throw
Across our way;
We cannot see what lies before,
And so we cling to Him the more,
He leads us 'till this life is o'er;
Trust and obey.
A Human Becoming
I have borrowed this from a source that did not credit the author.
This is not my work but I love the sentiment
- Chuck
My ultimate creation, my greatest miracle,
A complete living being, I give you
A power not even the angels have -
The power to choose to create something new.
Use it wisely, this power of choice.
Choose to Love, rather than hate,
Choose to Laugh, rather than Cry,
Choose to Create, rather than Destroy,
Choose to Persevere, rather than Quit,
Choose to Praise, rather than Gossip,
Choose to Heal, rather than Wound,
Choose to Give, rather than Steal,
Choose to Act, rather than Procrastinate,
Choose to Grow, rather than Rot,
Choose to Pray, rather than Curse,
Choose to Live, rather than Die,
Choose to Serve, rather than Be Served,
Choose to Begin Again, rather than Go Backward,
Choose to Forgive, rather than Get Revenge.
More than a human being you are a Human Becoming.
This is not my work but I love the sentiment
- Chuck
My ultimate creation, my greatest miracle,
A complete living being, I give you
A power not even the angels have -
The power to choose to create something new.
Use it wisely, this power of choice.
Choose to Love, rather than hate,
Choose to Laugh, rather than Cry,
Choose to Create, rather than Destroy,
Choose to Persevere, rather than Quit,
Choose to Praise, rather than Gossip,
Choose to Heal, rather than Wound,
Choose to Give, rather than Steal,
Choose to Act, rather than Procrastinate,
Choose to Grow, rather than Rot,
Choose to Pray, rather than Curse,
Choose to Live, rather than Die,
Choose to Serve, rather than Be Served,
Choose to Begin Again, rather than Go Backward,
Choose to Forgive, rather than Get Revenge.
More than a human being you are a Human Becoming.
A God Of Contrasts
Kind and Stern,
Tender and Tough,
Softly Firm,
Patiently Urgent,
Eagerly Tolerent,
Quietly Shouting,
Gently Thundering.
His goal is not my happiness.
His goal is not my wants.
His goal is what I need.
His goal is to make me His.
Tender and Tough,
Softly Firm,
Patiently Urgent,
Eagerly Tolerent,
Quietly Shouting,
Gently Thundering.
His goal is not my happiness.
His goal is not my wants.
His goal is what I need.
His goal is to make me His.
My Deliverer
Throughout God's Word there are examples of great men, and women too, raised up by God for a specific purpose at a specific time. Moses, David, Jacob, Joshua, Rahab, Mary, Othniel..... wait a minute here. Who's Othniel?
"When they cried out to the Lord, He raised up for them a deliverer, Othniel..., Caleb's younger brother, who saved them." (Judges 3:9-10)
That is just how God works. Many of the "heroes of the faith" were prepared by God for prolonged periods, or served Him for extended periods of time. But many more were simply raised up for a specific purpose. His story is punctuated by examples of this type of deliverer, otherwise ordinary men and women who slipped quietly into and out of roles that fulfilled His purpose.
You may know some of them too. I am certain that I do. You may even be one of them. Even as you read this, the Creator may be preparing you for an extraordinary act of service, possibly as crucial as the touching of just one life.
His ways are not ours. And so we must allow God to work amid our present trials and in the little victories, the future significance of which we can only imagine. And so I encourage each of you - myself included - to allow Him to prepare you as He did Othniel at Kiriath Sepher. Read about it in Judges. Allow Him to open your mind and heart to the possibilities of a life that exceeds your understanding. Maybe start with His Word.
"When they cried out to the Lord, He raised up for them a deliverer, Othniel..., Caleb's younger brother, who saved them." (Judges 3:9-10)
That is just how God works. Many of the "heroes of the faith" were prepared by God for prolonged periods, or served Him for extended periods of time. But many more were simply raised up for a specific purpose. His story is punctuated by examples of this type of deliverer, otherwise ordinary men and women who slipped quietly into and out of roles that fulfilled His purpose.
You may know some of them too. I am certain that I do. You may even be one of them. Even as you read this, the Creator may be preparing you for an extraordinary act of service, possibly as crucial as the touching of just one life.
His ways are not ours. And so we must allow God to work amid our present trials and in the little victories, the future significance of which we can only imagine. And so I encourage each of you - myself included - to allow Him to prepare you as He did Othniel at Kiriath Sepher. Read about it in Judges. Allow Him to open your mind and heart to the possibilities of a life that exceeds your understanding. Maybe start with His Word.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Redheads
An easy laugh turns her head,
Eyes that pale other blues -
The sea and the sky -
Spark clear and bright,
And draw me in a tender trap.
Cares brushed aside
By coppery tresses
Teased across porcelain features
By a breeze that mimics
Her delicate nature.
She is a dream,
Rare in its completeness,
And treasured for the sensations
That lighten my blues,
And brighten my days.
Untitled Memory #2
Your whole body holds a goblet
Of gentle sweetness destined for me.
When I let my hands climb
In each place I find a dove
That was looking for me, as if
My love, He had made you of clay
For my very own potters hands.
Your knees, your breasts, your waist
Are missing in me, like in the hollow
Of a thirsting earth,
Where they relinquish a form,
And together we are complete
Like one single river,
Like a single grain of sand.
Of gentle sweetness destined for me.
When I let my hands climb
In each place I find a dove
That was looking for me, as if
My love, He had made you of clay
For my very own potters hands.
Your knees, your breasts, your waist
Are missing in me, like in the hollow
Of a thirsting earth,
Where they relinquish a form,
And together we are complete
Like one single river,
Like a single grain of sand.
Great Truths
Great truths are dearly bought, the common truths,
Such as we give and take from day to day,
Come not in the common walk of easy life,
Not blown by the careless wind across our way.
Great truths are greatly won, not found by chance,
Nor wafted on the breath of summer dream;
But grasped in the great struggle of our soul,
Hard buffeted with adverse wind and stream.
But in the day of conflict, fear and grief,
When the strong hand of God, put forth in might,
Plows up the subsoil of our stagnant heart,
And brings the imprisoned truth seed to the light.
Wrung from the troubled spirit, in hard hours
Of weakness, solitude and times of pain,
Truth springs like harvest from the well-plowed field,
And our soul feels it has not wept in vain.
Such as we give and take from day to day,
Come not in the common walk of easy life,
Not blown by the careless wind across our way.
Great truths are greatly won, not found by chance,
Nor wafted on the breath of summer dream;
But grasped in the great struggle of our soul,
Hard buffeted with adverse wind and stream.
But in the day of conflict, fear and grief,
When the strong hand of God, put forth in might,
Plows up the subsoil of our stagnant heart,
And brings the imprisoned truth seed to the light.
Wrung from the troubled spirit, in hard hours
Of weakness, solitude and times of pain,
Truth springs like harvest from the well-plowed field,
And our soul feels it has not wept in vain.
Unanswered Prayers
Unanswered yet, the prayer your lips have pleaded,
In agony of heart these many years?
Does faith begin to fail? Is hope departing?
And think you all in vain your falling tears?
Say not the Father has not heard your prayer;
You will have your desire sometime, somewhere.
Unanswered yet? No, do not say ungranted,
Perhaps your work is not yet wholly done.
The work began when first your prayer was uttered,
And God will finish what He has begun.
If you will keep the incense burning there,
His glory you will see sometime, somewhere.
Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered.
Its feet are planted firmly on the Rock.
Amid the wildest storms it stands undaunted,
Nor shakes before the loudest thunder shock.
It knows Omnipotence has heard its prayer
And cries, "It will be done" - sometime, somewhere.
In agony of heart these many years?
Does faith begin to fail? Is hope departing?
And think you all in vain your falling tears?
Say not the Father has not heard your prayer;
You will have your desire sometime, somewhere.
Unanswered yet? No, do not say ungranted,
Perhaps your work is not yet wholly done.
The work began when first your prayer was uttered,
And God will finish what He has begun.
If you will keep the incense burning there,
His glory you will see sometime, somewhere.
Unanswered yet? Faith cannot be unanswered.
Its feet are planted firmly on the Rock.
Amid the wildest storms it stands undaunted,
Nor shakes before the loudest thunder shock.
It knows Omnipotence has heard its prayer
And cries, "It will be done" - sometime, somewhere.
The Nature of Pain
They tell me I must bruise
The rose's leaf
Ere I can keep and use
Its fragrance brief.
They tell me I must break
The skylark's heart
Else Her cage song will make
The silence start.
They tell me love must bleed
and friendship weep
Ere in my deepest need
I touch that deep.
Must it always be so
With precious things?
Must they be bruised, and go
With beaten wings?
Ah, yes! By crushing days,
By caged nights, by scar
Of thorns and rugged ways
These blessings are!
The rose's leaf
Ere I can keep and use
Its fragrance brief.
They tell me I must break
The skylark's heart
Else Her cage song will make
The silence start.
They tell me love must bleed
and friendship weep
Ere in my deepest need
I touch that deep.
Must it always be so
With precious things?
Must they be bruised, and go
With beaten wings?
Ah, yes! By crushing days,
By caged nights, by scar
Of thorns and rugged ways
These blessings are!
Lean Hard
Child of My love, lean hard,
and let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child,
I shaped it, balanced it on Mine Own hand;
made no proportion in its weight
to your unaided strength,
for even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
so I will keep My child
within the circling arms
of Mine Own love."
Here lay it down,
nor fear to impose it on a shoulder
that upholds the government of worlds.
Yet closer come, so I might feel My child
reclining on my breast.
You love Me, I know.
So then do not doubt;
but loving Me, lean hard.
and let Me feel the pressure of your care;
I know your burden, child,
I shaped it, balanced it on Mine Own hand;
made no proportion in its weight
to your unaided strength,
for even as I laid it on, I said,
"I will be near, and while she leans on Me,
this burden will be Mine, not hers;
so I will keep My child
within the circling arms
of Mine Own love."
Here lay it down,
nor fear to impose it on a shoulder
that upholds the government of worlds.
Yet closer come, so I might feel My child
reclining on my breast.
You love Me, I know.
So then do not doubt;
but loving Me, lean hard.
Still - Blog Transfer
I am perpetually amazed by how many people cannot, or will not, hold still. Until forced to, by circumstances brought on by myself, yet beyond my control, I had forgotten the value of being still. Lying on green bracken, amongst yellow and magenta wildflowers, so close to the ground that my view is of tall fescues, so crisp they rustle like silk in the gentle breeze, under an azure canopy, comforted by spun-cotton clouds, I can finally slow down again, center, empty...... retreat not inside myself, but outside of myself. Surely there is something in the unruffled calm of nature that overawes our little anxieties and cares.
Backpacking Again - Blog Transfer
Sept. 13, 2009
Miles from anywhere, I have backpacked my way into paradise again! I can almost imagine what Eden would have been like, or at least felt like to Adam. Had it been half as nice as this it would have been painful to leave.
"In the morning... come up... Present yourself to me on top of the mountain." (Ex 34:2)
I slept without a sleeping bag last night, not owning one. While I was cold and slept fitfully, it kept me in prayer throughout the night, and looking forward to daybreak. I had special plans for the sunrise, atop a peak in the Carmel River headwaters. I wanted to spend sunrise in prayer and worship.
The morning is the time I have set aside to meet with the Lord. "Morning" - the very word itself is ripe, like the cluster of grapes I give thanks for. It is crisp as the bread I consecrate to my Savior on this most delicious fall morning.
This is when God wants me at my best in strength and hope, so that I may begin my daily climb, not in weakness, but in strength. Last night I buried yesterdays' fatigue, and this morning I take in a new supply of energy, resolve, courage, faith, hope and love.
When my first victory of the day is won in morning prayer the entire day is won over to my Lord. Holy is the day when dawn finds me on a mountaintop with God.
Miles from anywhere, I have backpacked my way into paradise again! I can almost imagine what Eden would have been like, or at least felt like to Adam. Had it been half as nice as this it would have been painful to leave.
"In the morning... come up... Present yourself to me on top of the mountain." (Ex 34:2)
I slept without a sleeping bag last night, not owning one. While I was cold and slept fitfully, it kept me in prayer throughout the night, and looking forward to daybreak. I had special plans for the sunrise, atop a peak in the Carmel River headwaters. I wanted to spend sunrise in prayer and worship.
The morning is the time I have set aside to meet with the Lord. "Morning" - the very word itself is ripe, like the cluster of grapes I give thanks for. It is crisp as the bread I consecrate to my Savior on this most delicious fall morning.
This is when God wants me at my best in strength and hope, so that I may begin my daily climb, not in weakness, but in strength. Last night I buried yesterdays' fatigue, and this morning I take in a new supply of energy, resolve, courage, faith, hope and love.
When my first victory of the day is won in morning prayer the entire day is won over to my Lord. Holy is the day when dawn finds me on a mountaintop with God.
What do I Believe - Blog Transfer
"He touched their eyes and said, 'Become what you believe.'" (Matt 9:29 TM)
Is there a difference between faith and belief? Jesus told these men they could be what they believed. What do I believe? I believe I am saved. My eternity is secured in the arms of my Savior. I believe I am forgiven; this going hand-in-hand with salvation, of course. But what else do I truly believe? Or more to the point, where does my unbelief, my doubt, lie?
"Immediately the boys father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me with my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:24 NIV) In the exchange preceding this passage, Jesus had just told a sick boy's father that there is no room for "if", or doubt, in a believers' life. Yet many have plagued me, do so still. And I consider myself a believer. "Become what you believe," or "According to your faith will it be done to you,"(NIV) both seem to suggest that doubts about our Lords' power and authority over everything led, or at least contributed, to my failures as a husband, a father, a recovering person and in so many other areas of my life. In the ensuing unmanageability, these areas of my life were removed from me. But I need to look at those words again.
"According to your faith will it be done to you" does not say in proportion to your faith. A better understanding would be to say Because you have faith it will be so. Faith can not be used as a tool to manipulate God. It would be futile to think that God would not see through the logic of saying, "The more you give me the more faith I will have."
True faith allows the surrender of my life to God, not just selected areas of it. Being human, and possessed of a vicious self-will, I get in my own way. The faith I have today is more mature than the faith I had when I was younger. It is more forgiving, accepting, generous, trusting, serving, thoughtful, reverent, worshipful, joyful, praising, and human. It is no longer lip-service to a concept, but it more resembles a child-like belief that I serve a God who doesn't want me to fail any more than I must in order to develop my character. And His faith in me makes me stronger.
Is there a difference between faith and belief? Jesus told these men they could be what they believed. What do I believe? I believe I am saved. My eternity is secured in the arms of my Savior. I believe I am forgiven; this going hand-in-hand with salvation, of course. But what else do I truly believe? Or more to the point, where does my unbelief, my doubt, lie?
"Immediately the boys father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me with my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:24 NIV) In the exchange preceding this passage, Jesus had just told a sick boy's father that there is no room for "if", or doubt, in a believers' life. Yet many have plagued me, do so still. And I consider myself a believer. "Become what you believe," or "According to your faith will it be done to you,"(NIV) both seem to suggest that doubts about our Lords' power and authority over everything led, or at least contributed, to my failures as a husband, a father, a recovering person and in so many other areas of my life. In the ensuing unmanageability, these areas of my life were removed from me. But I need to look at those words again.
"According to your faith will it be done to you" does not say in proportion to your faith. A better understanding would be to say Because you have faith it will be so. Faith can not be used as a tool to manipulate God. It would be futile to think that God would not see through the logic of saying, "The more you give me the more faith I will have."
True faith allows the surrender of my life to God, not just selected areas of it. Being human, and possessed of a vicious self-will, I get in my own way. The faith I have today is more mature than the faith I had when I was younger. It is more forgiving, accepting, generous, trusting, serving, thoughtful, reverent, worshipful, joyful, praising, and human. It is no longer lip-service to a concept, but it more resembles a child-like belief that I serve a God who doesn't want me to fail any more than I must in order to develop my character. And His faith in me makes me stronger.
On Taking Life's Beatings
It is a remarkable occurrence of nature that the most brilliant colors of plants are found in the highest mountains, in the places that are exposed to the fiercest weather. The brightest lichens and mosses, and the most vibrant wildflowers, abound high on storm beaten peaks.
In the early 1900's a bar of steel was worth around $5. But forged into horseshoes it was worth $10; made into sewing needles its value climbed to $350; if used to make blades for pocket knives, its value exceeded $32,000; if used to make springs for watches it reached a valuation of $250,000.
What a pounding that steel bar had to endure in order to increase in value. But the more it was shaped, hammered, heated and cooled, cut, rolled, pounded and polished, the greater its value. May I use this analogy to remind me to be still, silent, and long-suffering, for it is those who suffer most who yield the most. And it is through pain that God gets the most out of us for His glory and for the blessing of others.
So stand firmly in the place where our Dear Lord has put you, loved one, and do your best there. God sends us trials and tests, and places life before us as a face-to-face opponent. It is through the pounding of serious conflict that He expects us to be strong.
In the early 1900's a bar of steel was worth around $5. But forged into horseshoes it was worth $10; made into sewing needles its value climbed to $350; if used to make blades for pocket knives, its value exceeded $32,000; if used to make springs for watches it reached a valuation of $250,000.
What a pounding that steel bar had to endure in order to increase in value. But the more it was shaped, hammered, heated and cooled, cut, rolled, pounded and polished, the greater its value. May I use this analogy to remind me to be still, silent, and long-suffering, for it is those who suffer most who yield the most. And it is through pain that God gets the most out of us for His glory and for the blessing of others.
So stand firmly in the place where our Dear Lord has put you, loved one, and do your best there. God sends us trials and tests, and places life before us as a face-to-face opponent. It is through the pounding of serious conflict that He expects us to be strong.
Independence and Insignificance
"When they started running low on wine at the wedding banquet, Jesus' mother told him, 'They're just about out of wine.'" (Jn 2:3 TM)
What is it that causes me to think of prayer as the last option rather than the first? Or more correctly stated, what blocks me from immediately going to prayer when I am hurt, tempted or disturbed? Two reasons spring to mind: feelings of independence and feelings of insignificance.
At times I am independent. I think I am big enough to solve my own problems. I take the training wheels off my bike and set off on my own. Other times I don't feel so independent; I feel insignificant. "Sure, Mary can take her problems to Jesus. She's His mother. Besides, He's tired of hearing about my problems." But this is just one more lie from the father of lies. God can live anywhere in the universe, yet He chooses to live in my heart. "Because he delights in me, he saved me" (Ps 18:19) The last thing I need worry about is being a nuisance to God.
If I concentrate on what He has asked me to do, my heart, my life, are lighter and happier. In reading the account of Jesus' turning water into wine I finally caught the sequence of events. "Jesus said to the servants, 'Fill the jars with water.' So they filled the jars to the top. Then he said to them, 'Now take some out and give it to the master of the feast.' So they took the water to the master. When he tasted it, the water had become wine." (Jn 2:7-9)
Note that the water became wine after the servants obeyed. What if the servants had refused, not understanding or trusting what Jesus was up to? More to the point, what if I refuse? What if I identify the problem, take it to Jesus, and then refuse to do as He asks? God asks that I take some bold steps. Money is tight, but He asks that I give. I've been hurt, but He asks me to forgive. I can't see His face yet He asks me to pray. He wouldn't ask these if He thought me incapable of them. That's a fact.
What is it that causes me to think of prayer as the last option rather than the first? Or more correctly stated, what blocks me from immediately going to prayer when I am hurt, tempted or disturbed? Two reasons spring to mind: feelings of independence and feelings of insignificance.
At times I am independent. I think I am big enough to solve my own problems. I take the training wheels off my bike and set off on my own. Other times I don't feel so independent; I feel insignificant. "Sure, Mary can take her problems to Jesus. She's His mother. Besides, He's tired of hearing about my problems." But this is just one more lie from the father of lies. God can live anywhere in the universe, yet He chooses to live in my heart. "Because he delights in me, he saved me" (Ps 18:19) The last thing I need worry about is being a nuisance to God.
If I concentrate on what He has asked me to do, my heart, my life, are lighter and happier. In reading the account of Jesus' turning water into wine I finally caught the sequence of events. "Jesus said to the servants, 'Fill the jars with water.' So they filled the jars to the top. Then he said to them, 'Now take some out and give it to the master of the feast.' So they took the water to the master. When he tasted it, the water had become wine." (Jn 2:7-9)
Note that the water became wine after the servants obeyed. What if the servants had refused, not understanding or trusting what Jesus was up to? More to the point, what if I refuse? What if I identify the problem, take it to Jesus, and then refuse to do as He asks? God asks that I take some bold steps. Money is tight, but He asks that I give. I've been hurt, but He asks me to forgive. I can't see His face yet He asks me to pray. He wouldn't ask these if He thought me incapable of them. That's a fact.
Hanging With Richard - Blog Transfer
Sometime back I wrote about feelings of independence and insignificance and their effect on my prayer life. I have had more time to ponder those feelings of independence and just how deeply injurious they can be.
If I am to be independent, I set myself up as arbiter and judge of all that is good and all that is evil. The chief problem I have with that now is that over time, my opinions, values and judgments have changed. This lack of consistency brings me to a place of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial bankruptcy, repeatedly.
My brother-by-another-mother, Richard, helps me to clarify many of my scrambled thoughts, and encourages me to go deeper. It seems I lack the gift of discernment, or the ability to truly know what is good for me. You see, I tend to base my decisions of right/wrong or good/evil on how I perceive they affect me - a self-serving approach to spiritual matters.
Since I lack an absolute reality of good over any considerable period of time, I have no basis for judgment. Flexible standards don't lend themselves to the type of consistency that creates dependability. Hence, I have a need for a constant benchmark to which I can be accountable. Lacking that constant, I set myself up to play God in my independence.
I have discovered through repeated failures that I suck as god (small "g"), not even a reasonable facsimile. The only consistency I have found is actually in His Word. So once again, as my birthday nears, I arrive at that place where I surrender my right to decide what is good or evil on my terms. Difficult to accept at times, even harder to achieve, I surrender my all again today.
If I am to be independent, I set myself up as arbiter and judge of all that is good and all that is evil. The chief problem I have with that now is that over time, my opinions, values and judgments have changed. This lack of consistency brings me to a place of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial bankruptcy, repeatedly.
My brother-by-another-mother, Richard, helps me to clarify many of my scrambled thoughts, and encourages me to go deeper. It seems I lack the gift of discernment, or the ability to truly know what is good for me. You see, I tend to base my decisions of right/wrong or good/evil on how I perceive they affect me - a self-serving approach to spiritual matters.
Since I lack an absolute reality of good over any considerable period of time, I have no basis for judgment. Flexible standards don't lend themselves to the type of consistency that creates dependability. Hence, I have a need for a constant benchmark to which I can be accountable. Lacking that constant, I set myself up to play God in my independence.
I have discovered through repeated failures that I suck as god (small "g"), not even a reasonable facsimile. The only consistency I have found is actually in His Word. So once again, as my birthday nears, I arrive at that place where I surrender my right to decide what is good or evil on my terms. Difficult to accept at times, even harder to achieve, I surrender my all again today.
Untitled - Blog Transfer
When across the heart deep waves of sorrow
Break, as on a dry and barren shore;
When hope glistens with no bright tomorrow,
And the storm seems sweeping evermore;
When the cup of every earthly gladness
Bears no taste of the life-giving stream;
And high hopes, as though to mock our sadness,
Fade and die in some restless dream,
Who will hush the weary spirit's chiding?
Who the aching void within will fill?
Who will whisper of a peace abiding,
And each urging wave will calmly still?
Only He whose wounded heart was broken
With the bitter cross and thorny crown;
Whose dear love glad words of joy had spoken,
Who His life for us laid meekly down.
Blessed healer, all our burdens lighten;
Give us peace. Your own sweet peace, we pray!
Keep us near you 'till morn does brighten,
And all the mists and shadows flee away!
Break, as on a dry and barren shore;
When hope glistens with no bright tomorrow,
And the storm seems sweeping evermore;
When the cup of every earthly gladness
Bears no taste of the life-giving stream;
And high hopes, as though to mock our sadness,
Fade and die in some restless dream,
Who will hush the weary spirit's chiding?
Who the aching void within will fill?
Who will whisper of a peace abiding,
And each urging wave will calmly still?
Only He whose wounded heart was broken
With the bitter cross and thorny crown;
Whose dear love glad words of joy had spoken,
Who His life for us laid meekly down.
Blessed healer, all our burdens lighten;
Give us peace. Your own sweet peace, we pray!
Keep us near you 'till morn does brighten,
And all the mists and shadows flee away!
Trust - Blog Transfer
Build a little fence of trust
Around today;
Fill the space with loving work
And therein stay.
Look not through the protective rails
Upon tomorrow;
God will help you bear what comes
Of joy and sorrow.
-Mary Butts
Learning to talk with God about everything in my life has been a big step and leap of faith. I have learned to do this to free myself of the confusion, conflict and cares that fill my world today. Anytime I am preparing to do something, undergoing a trial, or simply pursuing my everyday life I try to tell Him about it. If I acquaint Him with it, even if I burden Him with it, I can put the matter behind me.
But I am finding it is impossible to "commit [my] way to the Lord" unless my way meets with His approval. It can only be done through extreme faith, for if I have even the slightest reservations that my way is not His way, faith will refuse to have anything to do with it.
Also, my committing my way to Him must be complete and continuous, not an isolated incident or action. No matter what form His guidance takes, no matter how contrary to my desires, no matter how close to the edge His way leads me, I can't snatch the controls back from His hands.
Am I willing to submit all my ways to His approval, to allow Him to pass judgment on them? There is nothing any Christian needs to more closely examine than his own beliefs, views and habits. We become accustomed to taking God's divine approval for granted. I think that is why some Christians are so anxious and fearful. They have not committed their entire way to Him. They grab the reins back in impatience or a lust for what the world offers.
I need to remind myself that His forgiveness does not mean His approval. I need to listen to that "still, small voice" that acts to convict me when my actions are incongruent with my beliefs. If His Word tells me what I am doing is wrong I have no business asking for repeated forgiveness. I should simply stew in my discomfort until I am actually ready to repent of my behavior and commit everything to Him. And there are truly very few gray areas.
Around today;
Fill the space with loving work
And therein stay.
Look not through the protective rails
Upon tomorrow;
God will help you bear what comes
Of joy and sorrow.
-Mary Butts
Learning to talk with God about everything in my life has been a big step and leap of faith. I have learned to do this to free myself of the confusion, conflict and cares that fill my world today. Anytime I am preparing to do something, undergoing a trial, or simply pursuing my everyday life I try to tell Him about it. If I acquaint Him with it, even if I burden Him with it, I can put the matter behind me.
But I am finding it is impossible to "commit [my] way to the Lord" unless my way meets with His approval. It can only be done through extreme faith, for if I have even the slightest reservations that my way is not His way, faith will refuse to have anything to do with it.
Also, my committing my way to Him must be complete and continuous, not an isolated incident or action. No matter what form His guidance takes, no matter how contrary to my desires, no matter how close to the edge His way leads me, I can't snatch the controls back from His hands.
Am I willing to submit all my ways to His approval, to allow Him to pass judgment on them? There is nothing any Christian needs to more closely examine than his own beliefs, views and habits. We become accustomed to taking God's divine approval for granted. I think that is why some Christians are so anxious and fearful. They have not committed their entire way to Him. They grab the reins back in impatience or a lust for what the world offers.
I need to remind myself that His forgiveness does not mean His approval. I need to listen to that "still, small voice" that acts to convict me when my actions are incongruent with my beliefs. If His Word tells me what I am doing is wrong I have no business asking for repeated forgiveness. I should simply stew in my discomfort until I am actually ready to repent of my behavior and commit everything to Him. And there are truly very few gray areas.
So Much Yet to Learn - Blog Transfer
God has blessed me with an inquisitive mind. Additionally, I have a renewed zeal for His Word. It seems that the more I read, not huge amounts, but regular devoted reading, the greater understanding I gain from it. Even Old Testament books that once seemed so dry are yielding gems of knowledge. A good study bible and a desire to be connected to "the One who has all power" is all that is required.
Then he said, "Take the arrows... Strike the ground." He struck it three times and stopped. The man of God was angry with him and said, "You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times." (2 Kings 13:18-19)
Huh? What's up with that passage? But there is a powerful message in these words. Jehoash, king of Israel thought he did OK when he "struck [the ground] three times and stopped." But the Lord and His prophet, Elisha, were deeply disappointed at a half-hearted effort.
Sure, Jehoash did receive something for his effort, quite a bit actually. In the final analysis he got exactly what he believed God for. But Jehoash did not get everything God and Elisha had intended for him to receive. He got more than any human could have offered him, but he didn't get God's best.
There is a sobering truth to this story. It is that the importance of enthusiastically praying through our circumstances can not be understated. We must fully examine our hearts with God's message to us. Unless we do so, we will never claim the fullness of His promises to us or all the possibilities available that believing prayer offers.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Eph 3:20-21)
Paul uses seemingly redundant words, immeasurably more than all, to describe God's infinite love and power. And he also wanted us to know that we ought not limit God with our puny imaginations. So pick up the arrows and act like it's your last drum solo! Beat the ground like you want it tattooed! God expects a bit of enthusiasm in return for His best.
Then he said, "Take the arrows... Strike the ground." He struck it three times and stopped. The man of God was angry with him and said, "You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times." (2 Kings 13:18-19)
Huh? What's up with that passage? But there is a powerful message in these words. Jehoash, king of Israel thought he did OK when he "struck [the ground] three times and stopped." But the Lord and His prophet, Elisha, were deeply disappointed at a half-hearted effort.
Sure, Jehoash did receive something for his effort, quite a bit actually. In the final analysis he got exactly what he believed God for. But Jehoash did not get everything God and Elisha had intended for him to receive. He got more than any human could have offered him, but he didn't get God's best.
There is a sobering truth to this story. It is that the importance of enthusiastically praying through our circumstances can not be understated. We must fully examine our hearts with God's message to us. Unless we do so, we will never claim the fullness of His promises to us or all the possibilities available that believing prayer offers.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Eph 3:20-21)
Paul uses seemingly redundant words, immeasurably more than all, to describe God's infinite love and power. And he also wanted us to know that we ought not limit God with our puny imaginations. So pick up the arrows and act like it's your last drum solo! Beat the ground like you want it tattooed! God expects a bit of enthusiasm in return for His best.
Wake Up Calls - Blog Transfer
People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get blamed? (Pr 19:3 TM)
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again (Ps 71:20)
I have been trying for weeks to connect the dots and get some thoughts to gel. Proverbs 19:3 from The Message lays the fault for a ruined life squarely where it belongs - at my feet. The psalmist in 71:20 seems to be tossing responsibility back at God.
Since Adam, we have tried to shift responsibility for our poor decisions on whomever else was available. Adam even tried to blame God for his decision to join the forbidden fruit fiasco. The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree... (Gen 3:12)
But I think the psalmist is expressing a different truth. God makes me "see" troubles. As part of my education I have had to go down to the depths of the earth (Ps 63:9) and lie among the dead. But ultimately, from the dead, He will restore my life again.
Prior to my final debauch I had received numerous "wake up" calls, but I repeatedly hit the snooze button. Seems I still do sometimes. When the serpent tempted Eve, his tactic was to create confusion about God's instructions, to make room for doubts. "Did God really say....?" (Gen 3:1)
My brain still looks for wiggle room, responding with "Well.... not in so many words." But what was His intent in leaving me with an instruction manual, available in so many translations and paraphrases? It was to make certain I could find the answers to my questions, and maybe spare me some pain.
Sadly, I have had to learn from my mistakes the hard way. I think He allows me this out of His love for me. It is not that He is unsympathetic. He will restore my life again. I include the 71st Psalm from The Message, without permission. But I do thank Eugene Peterson for his brilliant paraphrase.
Psalm 71 1-3
I run for dear life to God, I'll never live to regret it.
Do what you do so well:
get me out of this mess and up on my feet.
Put your ear to the ground and listen,
give me space for salvation. Be a guest room where I can retreat; you said your door was always open! You're my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.
4-7
My God, free me from the grip of Wicked,
from the clutch of Bad and Bully.
You keep me going when times are tough—
my bedrock, God, since my childhood.
I've hung on you from the day of my birth,
the day you took me from the cradle;
I'll never run out of praise.
Many gasp in alarm when they see me,
but you take me in stride.
8-11
Just as each day brims with your beauty,
my mouth brims with praise.
But don't turn me out to pasture when I'm old
or put me on the shelf when I can't pull my weight.
My enemies are talking behind my back,
watching for their chance to knife me.
The gossip is: "God has abandoned him.
Pounce on him now; no one will help him."
12-16
God, don't just watch from the sidelines.
Come on! Run to my side!
My accusers—make them lose face.
Those out to get me—make them look
Like idiots, while I stretch out, reaching for you,
and daily add praise to praise.
I'll write the book on your righteousness,
talk up your salvation the livelong day,
never run out of good things to write or say.
I come in the power of the Lord God,
I post signs marking his right-of-way.
17-24
You got me when I was an unformed youth,
God, and taught me everything I know.
Now I'm telling the world your wonders;
I'll keep at it until I'm old and gray.
God, don't walk off and leave me
until I get out the news
Of your strong right arm to this world,
news of your power to the world yet to come,
Your famous and righteous
ways, O God.
God, you've done it all!
Who is quite like you?
You, who made me stare trouble in the face,
Turn me around; Now let me look life in the face.
I've been to the bottom;
Bring me up, streaming with honors;
turn to me, be tender to me,
And I'll take up the lute and thank you
to the tune of your faithfulness, God.
I'll make music for you on a harp,
Holy One of Israel.
When I open up in song to you,
I let out lungsful of praise,
my rescued life a song.
All day long I'm chanting
about you and your righteous ways,
While those who tried to do me in
slink off looking ashamed.
Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again (Ps 71:20)
I have been trying for weeks to connect the dots and get some thoughts to gel. Proverbs 19:3 from The Message lays the fault for a ruined life squarely where it belongs - at my feet. The psalmist in 71:20 seems to be tossing responsibility back at God.
Since Adam, we have tried to shift responsibility for our poor decisions on whomever else was available. Adam even tried to blame God for his decision to join the forbidden fruit fiasco. The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree... (Gen 3:12)
But I think the psalmist is expressing a different truth. God makes me "see" troubles. As part of my education I have had to go down to the depths of the earth (Ps 63:9) and lie among the dead. But ultimately, from the dead, He will restore my life again.
Prior to my final debauch I had received numerous "wake up" calls, but I repeatedly hit the snooze button. Seems I still do sometimes. When the serpent tempted Eve, his tactic was to create confusion about God's instructions, to make room for doubts. "Did God really say....?" (Gen 3:1)
My brain still looks for wiggle room, responding with "Well.... not in so many words." But what was His intent in leaving me with an instruction manual, available in so many translations and paraphrases? It was to make certain I could find the answers to my questions, and maybe spare me some pain.
Sadly, I have had to learn from my mistakes the hard way. I think He allows me this out of His love for me. It is not that He is unsympathetic. He will restore my life again. I include the 71st Psalm from The Message, without permission. But I do thank Eugene Peterson for his brilliant paraphrase.
Psalm 71 1-3
I run for dear life to God, I'll never live to regret it.
Do what you do so well:
get me out of this mess and up on my feet.
Put your ear to the ground and listen,
give me space for salvation. Be a guest room where I can retreat; you said your door was always open! You're my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.
4-7
My God, free me from the grip of Wicked,
from the clutch of Bad and Bully.
You keep me going when times are tough—
my bedrock, God, since my childhood.
I've hung on you from the day of my birth,
the day you took me from the cradle;
I'll never run out of praise.
Many gasp in alarm when they see me,
but you take me in stride.
8-11
Just as each day brims with your beauty,
my mouth brims with praise.
But don't turn me out to pasture when I'm old
or put me on the shelf when I can't pull my weight.
My enemies are talking behind my back,
watching for their chance to knife me.
The gossip is: "God has abandoned him.
Pounce on him now; no one will help him."
12-16
God, don't just watch from the sidelines.
Come on! Run to my side!
My accusers—make them lose face.
Those out to get me—make them look
Like idiots, while I stretch out, reaching for you,
and daily add praise to praise.
I'll write the book on your righteousness,
talk up your salvation the livelong day,
never run out of good things to write or say.
I come in the power of the Lord God,
I post signs marking his right-of-way.
17-24
You got me when I was an unformed youth,
God, and taught me everything I know.
Now I'm telling the world your wonders;
I'll keep at it until I'm old and gray.
God, don't walk off and leave me
until I get out the news
Of your strong right arm to this world,
news of your power to the world yet to come,
Your famous and righteous
ways, O God.
God, you've done it all!
Who is quite like you?
You, who made me stare trouble in the face,
Turn me around; Now let me look life in the face.
I've been to the bottom;
Bring me up, streaming with honors;
turn to me, be tender to me,
And I'll take up the lute and thank you
to the tune of your faithfulness, God.
I'll make music for you on a harp,
Holy One of Israel.
When I open up in song to you,
I let out lungsful of praise,
my rescued life a song.
All day long I'm chanting
about you and your righteous ways,
While those who tried to do me in
slink off looking ashamed.
Oh No! Not Another Learning Experience - Blog Transfer
Just because God can work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies does not mean He orchestrated the tragedy. I often pray to be delivered from my afflictions, and even trust God that it will be so. But I usually forget to ask Him to make me what I should be while undergoing the experience. Nor do I pray that I would be able to live within the affliction for however long it lasts. Often I can not feel that I am being held and sheltered by the Lord and can therefore continue within the pain without suffering any harm.
The Savior endured an especially difficult test in the wilderness while in the presence of Satan, for forty days and nights, His human nature weakened by lack of food and water. The three young Hebrew men were kept for a time in the flames of "the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual." (Dan 3:19) In spite of being forced to endure the tyrants' last method of torture, they remained calm and composed as they waited for deliverance. And after surviving an entire night sitting among the lions, "when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God." (Dan 6:23)
But this is too often not my response. I just want it over, brought to a close as soon as possible. In spite of my earlier writings about bearing up under trials, I still regularly lose patience, and almost never ask Him to use the experience to change me. It is as if I think I don't need to change during the process, just to demonstrate my faith, and endure.
Only God does not need change. I certainly need change. It helps me to know that God loves me just as I am, but He loves me too much to leave me this way. The hurts that I still cling to from the past color my present and discolor relationships. I need to forgive much as I have been forgiven much.
The Savior endured an especially difficult test in the wilderness while in the presence of Satan, for forty days and nights, His human nature weakened by lack of food and water. The three young Hebrew men were kept for a time in the flames of "the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual." (Dan 3:19) In spite of being forced to endure the tyrants' last method of torture, they remained calm and composed as they waited for deliverance. And after surviving an entire night sitting among the lions, "when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God." (Dan 6:23)
But this is too often not my response. I just want it over, brought to a close as soon as possible. In spite of my earlier writings about bearing up under trials, I still regularly lose patience, and almost never ask Him to use the experience to change me. It is as if I think I don't need to change during the process, just to demonstrate my faith, and endure.
Only God does not need change. I certainly need change. It helps me to know that God loves me just as I am, but He loves me too much to leave me this way. The hurts that I still cling to from the past color my present and discolor relationships. I need to forgive much as I have been forgiven much.
Less To Say - Transferred from old blog
...You will see neither wind nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water, and you, your cattle and your other animals will drink. This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord... (2 Kings 3:17-18)
Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Gen 18:14)
The phrase from 2 Kings follows some specific instructions delivered by the prophet Elisha and ends with some equally specific promises. Directives and promises: the Lord will graciously provide for His people, but they must respond to His Word in faith and obedience. The preceeding verse (v.16) states, This is what the Lord says... His request that we act in faith.
In my own life God has intervened in miraculous ways, and still I balk. For those who follow baseball, the term balk has become another gray area. I can do nothing about baseball, but I can do something about the way I respond to His asking that I step out in faith. Especially since Nothing is too hard for the Lord.
Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Gen 18:14)
The phrase from 2 Kings follows some specific instructions delivered by the prophet Elisha and ends with some equally specific promises. Directives and promises: the Lord will graciously provide for His people, but they must respond to His Word in faith and obedience. The preceeding verse (v.16) states, This is what the Lord says... His request that we act in faith.
In my own life God has intervened in miraculous ways, and still I balk. For those who follow baseball, the term balk has become another gray area. I can do nothing about baseball, but I can do something about the way I respond to His asking that I step out in faith. Especially since Nothing is too hard for the Lord.
Monday, April 26, 2010
On The Days You're Not Here
On the days you're not here
They serve doughnuts,
Laughter punctuates conversations,
People stock and empty shelves,
And fish are caught.
Friends greet and lovers kiss,
Homes are built, tables are bussed,
Children learn geography
And deliveries are made
On the days you're not here.
On the days you're not here
Lawns get mowed,
Cancers will be treated,
Cars are repaired, jets fly
And prayers are said.
Tears stain cheeks and hopes are born,
Dogs will bark, tennis is played,
Mothers hold infants,
And poetry is written, and read
On the days you're not here.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
High Anxiety
"Do not be anxious about anything." (Phil 4:6)
"Cast all your anxiety on him." (1 Peter 57)
One of my brothers in Christ, a man I believe "after God's own heart," tells me that "all means all and that's all all means." That we should not worry or fret, that we should be anxious for nothing, is an oft repeated command in God's word. If we have truly cast our burdens on another how can they continue to pressure us? If we carry them with us from the throne of grace, it's obvious we haven't left them there.
"Faith is being... certain of what we do not see." (Heb 11:1) Faith puts a letter in the mail slot and then lets go. Distrust, however, holds on to a corner of the envelope and then wonders why it was never delivered. Those letters, like these words, will never accomplish anything until I let go of them and trust the postal service, or hit the "publish" button and trust in God.
Genuine faith hands circumstance, hopes, fears, people, jobs, friends - everything - over to God. But this does require one additional effort on my part; the caveat that I commit to Him. We may believe in Him and come to Him, but we must commit to Him to realize His blessings.
"Cast all your anxiety on him." (1 Peter 57)
One of my brothers in Christ, a man I believe "after God's own heart," tells me that "all means all and that's all all means." That we should not worry or fret, that we should be anxious for nothing, is an oft repeated command in God's word. If we have truly cast our burdens on another how can they continue to pressure us? If we carry them with us from the throne of grace, it's obvious we haven't left them there.
"Faith is being... certain of what we do not see." (Heb 11:1) Faith puts a letter in the mail slot and then lets go. Distrust, however, holds on to a corner of the envelope and then wonders why it was never delivered. Those letters, like these words, will never accomplish anything until I let go of them and trust the postal service, or hit the "publish" button and trust in God.
Genuine faith hands circumstance, hopes, fears, people, jobs, friends - everything - over to God. But this does require one additional effort on my part; the caveat that I commit to Him. We may believe in Him and come to Him, but we must commit to Him to realize His blessings.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Reminders
My sleeping bag envelopes me
In a velvety embrace
Reminding me of a night
Spent together not entwined
In passions held at bay.
It was far more intimate
Watching your mouth form words
Revealing your soul, eyes sparkling darkly.
My sleeping bag envelopes me
And its velvety embrace
Feels like your affection:
Surrounded without restraints,
Unconfined but contained,
Covered yet free,
Feeling felt, understood
And wanted.
In a velvety embrace
Reminding me of a night
Spent together not entwined
In passions held at bay.
It was far more intimate
Watching your mouth form words
Revealing your soul, eyes sparkling darkly.
My sleeping bag envelopes me
And its velvety embrace
Feels like your affection:
Surrounded without restraints,
Unconfined but contained,
Covered yet free,
Feeling felt, understood
And wanted.
What Is The Problem
As I write at the beach God is showing off again. This is possibly the fiercest gale of the winter. The wind buffets my truck with enough force to shake my writing. Rain and sand mix in a horizontal splash against my windows. High, violent surf has closed the beach, nearly inundated by waves reaching ten feet and churning perhaps one hundred yards of steely blue-white foam across the shore. What am I to make of this day?
My therapist quoted someone else this morning, saying that "the problem is not the problem." Unconventional wisdom to be certain. So then, what is the problem? And if the problem is not the problem, what is the solution?
In my experience the problem is often my reaction to the problem. Or perhaps the problem lies in the fact that I react to problems rather than responding to opportunities. Or maybe, just maybe, the problem is that I still rely on my intellect to sort through my "problems."
"Blessed are the poor in spirit." (Matt 5:4) In Hebrew culture the term translated as spirit refers to our intellect. What was Jesus saying? Blessed are the mentally challenged, the slow, the dim-witted? Poor in intellect - this is nothing I plan to strive for. Sorry Lord, but I will take a pass on that blessing. Luckily this is not what He meant. The term 'poor in spirit" refers to those begging for wisdom, His wisdom.
So back to my problem, or problems, or confusion about my problem, reaction or incorrect responses or whatever..... I have a problem with applying my intellect to the challenges He presents to me. My most basic problem may be one of perception. The challenges I have been presented are blessings-in-progress in God's world. My faith does waiver a bit from time to time and I take back the reigns in an attempt to take back control of my life.
"He did not waiver... regarding the promises... being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." (Rom 4:20-21) Abraham stood straight, not bending beneath the staggering load of God's blessing.
So, being poor in spirit becomes the solution to my problem. Now what was that problem again?
My therapist quoted someone else this morning, saying that "the problem is not the problem." Unconventional wisdom to be certain. So then, what is the problem? And if the problem is not the problem, what is the solution?
In my experience the problem is often my reaction to the problem. Or perhaps the problem lies in the fact that I react to problems rather than responding to opportunities. Or maybe, just maybe, the problem is that I still rely on my intellect to sort through my "problems."
"Blessed are the poor in spirit." (Matt 5:4) In Hebrew culture the term translated as spirit refers to our intellect. What was Jesus saying? Blessed are the mentally challenged, the slow, the dim-witted? Poor in intellect - this is nothing I plan to strive for. Sorry Lord, but I will take a pass on that blessing. Luckily this is not what He meant. The term 'poor in spirit" refers to those begging for wisdom, His wisdom.
So back to my problem, or problems, or confusion about my problem, reaction or incorrect responses or whatever..... I have a problem with applying my intellect to the challenges He presents to me. My most basic problem may be one of perception. The challenges I have been presented are blessings-in-progress in God's world. My faith does waiver a bit from time to time and I take back the reigns in an attempt to take back control of my life.
"He did not waiver... regarding the promises... being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised." (Rom 4:20-21) Abraham stood straight, not bending beneath the staggering load of God's blessing.
So, being poor in spirit becomes the solution to my problem. Now what was that problem again?
He will do this. (Ps 37:5)
Spiritual forces cannot work while we are trusting earthly forces. Often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for him to answer prayer. It takes time for God to color a rose or grow a great oak tree.
I once believed that after I prayed it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Even when my answer is in agreement with His answer, what does He need of my help? God has taught me a better way, showing me that self-effort always hinders His work.
He also revealed that when I prayed with confident trust in Him for something, He simply wants me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. In the same way that it is difficult to rescue a drowning person who is thrashing around, it is difficult for the Lord to fight our battles for us if we insist on fighting them ourselves. Our interference hinders His work.
I once believed that after I prayed it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Even when my answer is in agreement with His answer, what does He need of my help? God has taught me a better way, showing me that self-effort always hinders His work.
He also revealed that when I prayed with confident trust in Him for something, He simply wants me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. In the same way that it is difficult to rescue a drowning person who is thrashing around, it is difficult for the Lord to fight our battles for us if we insist on fighting them ourselves. Our interference hinders His work.
Monday, April 19, 2010
On Love - a personal essay
The sky radiated gold and red, transitioning quickly through blue to black, and all at the same time. This is my favorite time of the day, when I will regularly be found at the beach soaking in the last rays of light, reflecting on my day.
My daily inventory was good today. Nothing to apologize for, except for the things I did not do. I did not tell those who matter most to me that I love them.
I am having a hard time with that word again. For a season it was easy to say, and I know that I meant it when I said it. Having begged God at one time for a heart of love I thank Him for the experiences that love has brought into my life. But this emotional struggle is just too much today.
Love is a very powerful force, closely resembling a drug in my opinion. And as a drug it has addictive properties. But I believe those properties are exactly what God intended for them to be.
I don't refer to what passes for love today, where two people fall madly in bed together for a period of time only to part company when the passion fades. My thoughts go to the type of love as intended by the creator, a love that transcends time, place and circumstance; a type of love that is both conscious and unconscious.
In active addiction, the power of choice is lost by the addict. What was fun at first becomes something that requires my continued participation, and changes me. It is no longer a question of if, but of when and how much. Conscious of being caught by the addiction, I am compelled to continue using by factors largely unconscious.
This is very much a picture of love and an image of its power. Initially, love brings nothing but joy to a life. Over time, however, as the initial bliss becomes marred by the problems of life, love moves to being a choice that is made. I choose to love someone in spite of the "problems" that love exposes me to. But in God's realm, the granting of a heart of love removes the power of choice. Love becomes a force, a power all its own.
In His answer to my prayer God made it clear to me that the granting of my request was an irrevocable gift. I very nearly lost my mind in my recent divorce, the anguish creating an emotional confusion that I am still recovering from. But along with a heart of love He granted the ability to forgive, and the ability to trust that "He will never leave nor forsake [me]. (Deut 31:6)
My daily inventory was good today. Nothing to apologize for, except for the things I did not do. I did not tell those who matter most to me that I love them.
I am having a hard time with that word again. For a season it was easy to say, and I know that I meant it when I said it. Having begged God at one time for a heart of love I thank Him for the experiences that love has brought into my life. But this emotional struggle is just too much today.
Love is a very powerful force, closely resembling a drug in my opinion. And as a drug it has addictive properties. But I believe those properties are exactly what God intended for them to be.
I don't refer to what passes for love today, where two people fall madly in bed together for a period of time only to part company when the passion fades. My thoughts go to the type of love as intended by the creator, a love that transcends time, place and circumstance; a type of love that is both conscious and unconscious.
In active addiction, the power of choice is lost by the addict. What was fun at first becomes something that requires my continued participation, and changes me. It is no longer a question of if, but of when and how much. Conscious of being caught by the addiction, I am compelled to continue using by factors largely unconscious.
This is very much a picture of love and an image of its power. Initially, love brings nothing but joy to a life. Over time, however, as the initial bliss becomes marred by the problems of life, love moves to being a choice that is made. I choose to love someone in spite of the "problems" that love exposes me to. But in God's realm, the granting of a heart of love removes the power of choice. Love becomes a force, a power all its own.
In His answer to my prayer God made it clear to me that the granting of my request was an irrevocable gift. I very nearly lost my mind in my recent divorce, the anguish creating an emotional confusion that I am still recovering from. But along with a heart of love He granted the ability to forgive, and the ability to trust that "He will never leave nor forsake [me]. (Deut 31:6)
Natural Forces
I have felt the pull of the moon
Bearing against my body
As it draws the ocean
With a force irresistible.
I know the weight of water in a stream
Pressing relentlessly in its course,
Carving through rock and reducing
Stone to pebble to sand to silt.
I have dreamt dreams of falling,
Fearlessly, from heights unknown,
Rushing to some eternal abyss
With the speed of light.
Such forces as define physics
And nature and dreams
Are all eclipsed by this -
That power called love.
Bearing against my body
As it draws the ocean
With a force irresistible.
I know the weight of water in a stream
Pressing relentlessly in its course,
Carving through rock and reducing
Stone to pebble to sand to silt.
I have dreamt dreams of falling,
Fearlessly, from heights unknown,
Rushing to some eternal abyss
With the speed of light.
Such forces as define physics
And nature and dreams
Are all eclipsed by this -
That power called love.
Still More Loss
Scattered words and empty thoughts are what I have today. I learned yesterday that nearly all of my writings prior to this time last year were destroyed over the winter. Perhaps as many as twelve hundred pages of spiritual prose, journals, poetry, short stories, memoirs and letters - my emotional life laid bare - are now irretrievable gone.
The shock of this loss on top of everything that has beset me in the past few years is almost more than I can bear. Much of this loss chronicles my addiction and recovery, and my experience in the depths of mental illness as well as the process of therapy. My spiritual rants and ramblings not yet blogged, several hundred pages written in pencil during seven months of incarceration, seem to torture me least. Perhaps that is God's solace at work in my soul. But much of it was merely the inner machinations of a healing mind and spirit.
Several years ago a suffering alcoholic and friend took the pen I had used to write much of that material, a particularly fine Pelikan fountain pen, trading it for a bottle of vodka. Thinking the pen more important than the words, or that the pen's mysterious qualities brought the words out of me, I ceased to write for a period of time, until I had managed to forgive him. I would trade a hundred of those pens today to have half of those words back.
The shock of this loss on top of everything that has beset me in the past few years is almost more than I can bear. Much of this loss chronicles my addiction and recovery, and my experience in the depths of mental illness as well as the process of therapy. My spiritual rants and ramblings not yet blogged, several hundred pages written in pencil during seven months of incarceration, seem to torture me least. Perhaps that is God's solace at work in my soul. But much of it was merely the inner machinations of a healing mind and spirit.
Several years ago a suffering alcoholic and friend took the pen I had used to write much of that material, a particularly fine Pelikan fountain pen, trading it for a bottle of vodka. Thinking the pen more important than the words, or that the pen's mysterious qualities brought the words out of me, I ceased to write for a period of time, until I had managed to forgive him. I would trade a hundred of those pens today to have half of those words back.
Untitled Memory
The hasty kiss of youth impatient,
Like the cold north winds' blow,
Leaves want of summers' breeze,
Of lingering warmth in soul.
Like the cold north winds' blow,
Leaves want of summers' breeze,
Of lingering warmth in soul.
A Meager Life
Rain on my roof
Drowns the ocean,
And obfuscates the vision
Of my dreams.
Oatmeal and tea,
Poetry and prose,
Grace and love
My comforts.
It is enough,
You know;
A meager and
Beleaguered life.
Drowns the ocean,
And obfuscates the vision
Of my dreams.
Oatmeal and tea,
Poetry and prose,
Grace and love
My comforts.
It is enough,
You know;
A meager and
Beleaguered life.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Still Crazy
I listened to my second song again this morning. I say my song, as if I had anything to do with the process of setting a poem I wrote to music. The real craft in the music. I wrote a poem in complete despair of lost love, someone else crafted a song from that. It brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my lips to hear those words and notes, and recall how important the inspiration for those words was in my life. I still have a gaping wound from the process of losing that.
But the glory goes to God, for it has been the lessons He led me through that have taught me how to express my thoughts and emotions. By myself, I have never written anything of value. The hardest of the lessons? To trust in Him completely, as if my life depended on it. Because it does.
Until recently, I never fully understood the fragility of life, or just how precious this gift He gives. But I get it now. I understand more of the meaning of His words. I believe His advice that I need to be "in" this world and not "of" it. And my increased faith pleases Him. "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." (Heb 11:6)
But the glory goes to God, for it has been the lessons He led me through that have taught me how to express my thoughts and emotions. By myself, I have never written anything of value. The hardest of the lessons? To trust in Him completely, as if my life depended on it. Because it does.
Until recently, I never fully understood the fragility of life, or just how precious this gift He gives. But I get it now. I understand more of the meaning of His words. I believe His advice that I need to be "in" this world and not "of" it. And my increased faith pleases Him. "Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." (Heb 11:6)
Denial and Emotional Health
I wonder at times if depression is a failure of my denial system. In other words, is a minimum level of denial necessary for emotional health? By seeing things too clearly, too realistically, do I set up a depression grounded in the hopelessness of the human condition? Are rose-colored glasses necessary for a life in a Pollyanna world in order to avoid depression? This thought is not really mine, but was first posited by none other than Sigmund Freud, or so I am told by a mental health professional.
This is not too far from the reality of humanity, in general, as I observe it today. Those who seem oblivious to reality around them often seem happiest. While those caught up in staring down every shadow in every corner seem nearly possessed, and depressed by what is revealed.
In a society caught up in financial collapse the looming reality of having to do with less, or losing everything, is causing many to panic. Fear of loss is causing otherwise sensible people to compromise beliefs and values in order to hang onto what they feel is justly theirs. A denial of their vulnerability to economic ebb and flow changes their behaviors, and so becomes a new belief system. Confusion about love and the role that security and comfort play creates a need for denial, and the acceptance of situations that compromise my (any one's) belief in God's word.
And yet among some who are very in tune with reality there is no sense of panic, or any anxiety or depression I can observe. They live at peace in this world, free of emotional turmoil and compromise. There is no denial. What do they have that allows them to live that way? Or have they already lost everything and so with nothing left to lose they have nothing to fear?
Hope and salvation are what seem to power those individuals. While my health has been trending downward for some time now and the current bout of cancer and other esophageal problems have had me doubled over in pain periodically I can still praise God for the miracle of my life. Even when it seems that all I have left is my life I know this to be untrue.
We all have something left to lose. Only the dead have nothing remaining but their remains.
I don't know all the machinations surrounding the entrance to heaven. I do know that I side with the body of believers that hold to scripturally based teachings indication that I could still lose my salvation. "On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not.....' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers.'" (Matt 7:22-23)
The use of the term, "Lord, Lord" indicates these people believed in Him. Yet He will send them away. Frankly, this is, and should be, a frightening thought to me. And it should be to any who have professed belief in Jesus yet remain unchanged.
This is not too far from the reality of humanity, in general, as I observe it today. Those who seem oblivious to reality around them often seem happiest. While those caught up in staring down every shadow in every corner seem nearly possessed, and depressed by what is revealed.
In a society caught up in financial collapse the looming reality of having to do with less, or losing everything, is causing many to panic. Fear of loss is causing otherwise sensible people to compromise beliefs and values in order to hang onto what they feel is justly theirs. A denial of their vulnerability to economic ebb and flow changes their behaviors, and so becomes a new belief system. Confusion about love and the role that security and comfort play creates a need for denial, and the acceptance of situations that compromise my (any one's) belief in God's word.
And yet among some who are very in tune with reality there is no sense of panic, or any anxiety or depression I can observe. They live at peace in this world, free of emotional turmoil and compromise. There is no denial. What do they have that allows them to live that way? Or have they already lost everything and so with nothing left to lose they have nothing to fear?
Hope and salvation are what seem to power those individuals. While my health has been trending downward for some time now and the current bout of cancer and other esophageal problems have had me doubled over in pain periodically I can still praise God for the miracle of my life. Even when it seems that all I have left is my life I know this to be untrue.
We all have something left to lose. Only the dead have nothing remaining but their remains.
I don't know all the machinations surrounding the entrance to heaven. I do know that I side with the body of believers that hold to scripturally based teachings indication that I could still lose my salvation. "On that day many will say to me, 'Lord, Lord, did we not.....' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evil doers.'" (Matt 7:22-23)
The use of the term, "Lord, Lord" indicates these people believed in Him. Yet He will send them away. Frankly, this is, and should be, a frightening thought to me. And it should be to any who have professed belief in Jesus yet remain unchanged.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
A First Kiss
Got a kiss from a pretty girl!
It lingers on my lips.
It caught me off guard
But not by surprise,
It came as much from her mouth
As from her eyes.
It lingers on my lips.
It caught me off guard
But not by surprise,
It came as much from her mouth
As from her eyes.
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