Hanging With Richard - Blog Transfer

Sometime back I wrote about feelings of independence and insignificance and their effect on my prayer life. I have had more time to ponder those feelings of independence and just how deeply injurious they can be.

If I am to be independent, I set myself up as arbiter and judge of all that is good and all that is evil. The chief problem I have with that now is that over time, my opinions, values and judgments have changed. This lack of consistency brings me to a place of emotional, spiritual, physical, and financial bankruptcy, repeatedly.

My brother-by-another-mother, Richard, helps me to clarify many of my scrambled thoughts, and encourages me to go deeper. It seems I lack the gift of discernment, or the ability to truly know what is good for me. You see, I tend to base my decisions of right/wrong or good/evil on how I perceive they affect me - a self-serving approach to spiritual matters.

Since I lack an absolute reality of good over any considerable period of time, I have no basis for judgment. Flexible standards don't lend themselves to the type of consistency that creates dependability. Hence, I have a need for a constant benchmark to which I can be accountable. Lacking that constant, I set myself up to play God in my independence.

I have discovered through repeated failures that I suck as god (small "g"), not even a reasonable facsimile. The only consistency I have found is actually in His Word. So once again, as my birthday nears, I arrive at that place where I surrender my right to decide what is good or evil on my terms. Difficult to accept at times, even harder to achieve, I surrender my all again today.