I Need to Hear This Again

Sometimes I write because I need to be heard. Sometimes it is because of things I am afraid I won't get to say. Sometimes I re-post older stuff because I need the reminder when I get those niggling little doubts. Today is seemingly the latter.

A dear friend faithfully kept my ramblings penned while in jail, just over a year ago. Re-reading those unmedicated diatribes presents me with a chilling portrait of just how sick I was, but also serves to validate how far I have come. Suffering from a treatable mental illness is OK now, with treatment. I didn't always think so.

But even at the worst of my illness, in jail for months without treatment of any kind, I can see how God had me all along. From June 30, 2008: "Today I was actually able to rise before the morning cacophony and get in my Bible study. Chapters 30-31 of Proverbs, 1 Cor 13, a Psalm and some readings from John and Matthew. Recognized something today from my readings I had not noticed before. While all the Gospels record Peter's denial of Jesus 3 times - only John records Peters' having been restored to fellowship with the Lord.

"Even more poignant is that Jesus ask Peter 3 times 'Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?' see John 21:15-19, the number of Peter's denials. [My sentence structure and punctuation excused, please] The passage reports that Peter was 'grieved' at being asked 3 times and I find myself identifying with Peter. I do not like to questioned repeatedly - ESPECIALLY when I am guilty of something. I want to be forgiven without being made to feel guilty, yet that feeling of guilt is what brings on remorse, and remorse is what causes the behavioral change that demonstrates repentance; or at least in my world. I don't know that any notable theologians would agree with those thoughts."

After that passage, my writing disintegrates into some frightening observations of life in jail, much of which I recall with a shudder. But I see, in looking back, that I needed to be still and recover my contact with Him.

1 Kings 17 opens with the prophet Elijah being told to "Hide in the Kerith Ravine." Why hide out? Why be fed by ravens, a none-too-pleasant carrion feeder? And then to have to stay there until "Sometime later the brook dried up"?

The purpose of my jail time I can't say for certain, but while there I did rediscover the value of alone time with God, and in a discipline of daily reading and prayer. I learned a lot about powerlessness and trust in Him. One way or the other, we must all learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may only last for a season, but the Giver is the only eternal love.

Kerith Ravine was a difficult problem for Elijah until he arrived at Zarephath, and suddenly everything became clear as daylight to him. Gods hard instructions are never His last word to us, for the woes, the waste, and the tears of life belong to its interlude, not its finale.

My Light is Too Dim

...God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. (1 John 1:5)

My light is too dim to hold back all my dark. And yet, "...if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)

Throughout his writings, John uses metaphors to illustrate his points, light representing what is good, true and holy; darkness representing what is evil and false; and walk a metaphor for living. John's pastoral writings encourage us "to have fellowship" with Him, and with each other.I for one need that fellowship. I need the support of believers in my daily life. I need encouragement to continue the good fight.John uses the word sin 27 times in his first epistle. That sounds like a metaphor for pay attention here to me. Sin severs my walk with God, cuts it short. Since God so graciously sent His only Begotten Son "so that [I] would have life" (find it in John's Gospel), and I don't want my walk (living) cut short, I need a way to be rid of my sin. My Abba was also gracious enough to provide that.If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) John packs some very important concepts into his first letter, important concepts for my daily Christian walk. In so doing, he reveals perhaps the greatest need I have for Christian fellowship. How do I go about this problem of confession? What is confession, anyway?The Greek word John used that translates as "confess" means "to say the same thing as", or "to agree with." It is less of a grocery list of my wrongdoings than it is an understanding that I live in a state of sin - "off the mark" is how sin translates.
... confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16) The issue of confession is not about keeping my relationship with God alive. Regardless of how I am living here on this planet, my relationship with God exists. I want my fellowship with Him restored. I want my walk with Him to continue. I want that spiritual connection with my brothers and sisters in Christ to improve. I want to be healed.