Oh No! Not Another Learning Experience

Just because God can work incredible good out of unspeakable tragedies does not mean He orchestrated the tragedy. I often pray to be delivered from my afflictions, and even trust God that it will be so. But I usually forget to ask Him to make me what I should be while undergoing the experience. Nor do I pray that I would be able to live within the affliction for however long it lasts. Often I can not feel that I am being held and sheltered by the Lord and can therefore continue within the pain without suffering any harm.

The Savior endured an especially difficult test in the wilderness while in the presence of Satan, for forty days and nights, His human nature weakened by lack of food and water. The three young Hebrew men were kept for a time in the flames of "the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual." (Dan 3:19) In spite of being forced to endure the tyrants' last method of torture, they remained calm and composed as they waited for deliverance. And after surviving an entire night sitting among the lions, "when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he had trusted in his God." (Dan 6:23)

But this is too often not my response. I just want it over, brought to a close as soon as possible. In spite of my earlier writings about bearing up under trials, I still regularly lose patience, and almost never ask Him to use the experience to change me. It is as if I think I don't need to change during the process, just to demonstrate my faith, and endure.

Only God does not need change. I certainly need change. It helps me to know that God loves me just as I am, but He loves me too much to leave me this way. The hurts that I still cling to from the past color my present and discolor relationships. I need to forgive much as I have been forgiven much.

A Melancholy Birthday

"Why must I go about mourning?" (Ps 42:9)

Why can't I answer this question? I can find no good reasons anymore why I am so often in mourning (or in the depths of depression) instead of rejoicing. But I allow my mind to dwell on gloomy thoughts as though night will never end, or as if the "winter of my discontent" has no spring following.

Day does dawn after night, spring follows winter and showers from heaven follow periods of spiritual drought. As a believer, I must learn to "live by faith, not by sight." (2 Cor 5:7)

God never intended for us to live by our feelings. Our inner self, and certainly Satan, would prefer if we did. But God wants us to face the facts, not feelings. Facing the facts of Christ, and His finished and perfect work for us allows Him to take care of my feelings. My feelings are as uncertain and ever-changing as the sea, or shifting sand. God's facts, however, are as certain as the Rock of Ages Himself - "Jesus Christ... the same yesterday and today and forever." (Heb 13:8)

During the Holidays - Here's a Thought

If you knew the end was near, if you knew you had 2 days to live, what would you do or say to leave a lasting impression? What thoughts would you want to clarify to your family and friends given that the last things we say are what will be most remembered?

I wanted to find out what my Savior's last teaching was so off to His Big Book to try to put a time line together for His last days. I have read the passage many times, but never before with the thought that these were among His last words.

For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' "Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" (Matt 25:35-40)

It is easier to think of those less fortunate than myself at this time of year. But realizing that this command was among Jesus' last, a Man who knew He had but hours before His crucifixion, causes me to think that He wanted this to stay top-of-mind. And not just at this traditional time of giving, but year-round.

On a Sunday Evening

We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. (Rom 8:26-27)

I remember when I first read this passage. I was a new believer, newly wed to my perfect gift from God, new at prayer and needing to learn how to pray. It was a great season in my life, active in my church, teaching/mentoring young men from the heart, trying to learn at the same time. Exciting, wonderful times; perhaps some of my finest hours.

Again, today, I don't know how to pray except to stand on the promise of this passage; that the Spirit Himself will somehow sort things out for me and make it all clear to God. Oh, the inexpressible longings of my heart for the things I cannot understand!

Yet I know they are an echo from the throne of God, and a whisper from His heart. They are for me more a groan than a song, a burden than a feather. But they are a blessed burden, and a groan whose undertone is praise and unspeakable joy. I cannot always express myself, and today it is enough to know that God is praying in me, praying for something only He understands and that needs His touch.

I saw the woman who plucks the strings of my heart today. I miss her so. I wanted to tell her "Welcome home." I wished we could return to those times when life was so simple, when I knew that with her at my side and God in the lead there was nothing that could divide us. The tears flow tonight as I write this and recall how I drove her away in my sin.

Tonight all I have is a prayer of thanks that I can pour out my heart, the burden of my spirit and the crushing sorrow. I know He hears, loves, understands, receives, and separates from the simple prayer what is in error, imperfect or wrong, and presents the remainder, along with the incense of the great High Priest (Heb 7:25-27), before the very throne of God. I am sure my prayer is heard, accepted and answered in His Name.

I won't be attending my home church in the coming weeks. After prayer with my pastor and friend, the topic is too painful for me now. But I will return. I miss my family.

Wake Up Calls

People ruin their lives by their own stupidity, so why does God always get blamed? (Pr 19:3 TM)

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again (Ps 71:20)

I have been trying for some time to connect the dots and get some thoughts to gel.  Proverbs 19:3 from The Message lays the fault for a ruined life squarely where it belongs - at my feet. The psalmist in 71:20 seems to be tossing responsibility back at God.

Since Adam, we have tried to shift responsibility for our poor decisions on whomever else was available. Adam even tried to blame God for his decision to join the forbidden fruit fiasco. The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree... (Gen 3:12)But I think the psalmist is expressing a different truth. God makes me "see" troubles. As part of my education I have had to go down to the depths of the earth (Ps 63:9) and lie among the dead. But ultimately, from the dead, He will restore my life again.I have received numerous "wake up" calls in my life, but I repeatedly hit the snooze button. Seems I still do sometimes. When the serpent tempted Eve, his tactic was to create confusion about God's instructions, to make room for doubts. "Did God really say....?"My brain still looks for wiggle room, responding with "Well.... not in so many words." But what was his intent in leaving me with an instruction manual, available in so many translations and paraphrases? It was to make certain I could find the answers to my questions, and maybe spare me some pain.

Sadly, I have had to learn from my mistakes, the hard way. I think He allows me this out of His love for me. It is not that He is unsympathetic. He will restore my life again.

I include the 71st Psalm from The Message, without permission. But I do thank Eugene Peterson for his brilliant translation.

Psalm 71
^1-3 I run for dear life to God, I'll never live to regret it.
Do what you do so well:
get me out of this mess and up on my feet.
Put your ear to the ground and listen,
give me space for salvation.
Be a guest room where I can retreat;
you said your door was always open!
You're my salvation—my vast, granite fortress.

^4-7 My God, free me from the grip of Wicked,
from the clutch of Bad and Bully.
You keep me going when times are tough—
my bedrock, God, since my childhood.
I've hung on you from the day of my birth,
the day you took me from the cradle;
I'll never run out of praise.
Many gasp in alarm when they see me,
but you take me in stride.

^8-11 Just as each day brims with your beauty,
my mouth brims with praise.
But don't turn me out to pasture when I'm old
or put me on the shelf when I can't pull my weight.
My enemies are talking behind my back,
watching for their chance to knife me.
The gossip is: "God has abandoned him.
Pounce on him now; no one will help him."

^12-16 God, don't just watch from the sidelines.
Come on! Run to my side!
My accusers—make them lose face.
Those out to get me—make them look
Like idiots, while I stretch out, reaching for you,
and daily add praise to praise.
I'll write the book on your righteousness,
talk up your salvation the livelong day,
never run out of good things to write or say.
I come in the power of the Lord God,
I post signs marking his right-of-way.

^17-24 You got me when I was an unformed youth,
God, and taught me everything I know.
Now I'm telling the world your wonders;
I'll keep at it until I'm old and gray.
God, don't walk off and leave me
until I get out the news
Of your strong right arm to this world,
news of your power to the world yet to come,
Your famous and righteous
ways, O God.
God, you've done it all!
Who is quite like you?
You, who made me stare trouble in the face,
Turn me around;
Now let me look life in the face.
I've been to the bottom;
Bring me up, streaming with honors;
turn to me, be tender to me,
And I'll take up the lute and thank you
to the tune of your faithfulness, God.
I'll make music for you on a harp,
Holy One of Israel.
When I open up in song to you,
I let out lungsful of praise,
my rescued life a song.
All day long I'm chanting
about you and your righteous ways,
While those who tried to do me in
slink off looking ashamed.

So Much Yet To Learn

God has blessed me with an inquisitive mind. Additionally, I have a renewed zeal for His Word. It seems that the more I read, not huge amounts, but regular devoted reading, the greater understanding I gain from it. Even Old Testament books that once seemed so dry are yielding gems of knowledge. A good study bible and a desire to be connected to "the One who has all power" is all that is required.

Then he said, "Take the arrows... Strike the ground." He struck it three times and stopped. The man of God was angry with him and said, "You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times." (2 Kings 13:18-19)

Huh? What's up with that passage? But there is a powerful message in these words. Jehoash, king of Israel thought he did OK when he "struck [the ground] three times and stopped." But the Lord and His prophet, Elisha, were deeply disappointed at a half-hearted effort.

Sure, Jehoash did receive something for his effort, quite a bit actually. In the final analysis he got exactly what he believed God for. But Jehoash did not get everything God and Elisha had intended for him to receive. He got more than any human could have offered him, but he didn't get God's best.

There is a sobering truth to this story. It is that the importance of enthusiastically praying through our circumstances can not be understated. We must fully examine our hearts with God's message to us. Unless we do so, we will never claim the fullness of His promises to us or all the possibilities available that believing prayer offers.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. (Eph 3:20-21)

Paul uses seemingly redundant words, immeasurably more than all, to describe God's infinite love and power. And he also wanted us to know that we ought not limit God with our puny imaginations. So pick up the arrows and act like it's your last drum solo! Beat the ground like you want it tattooed! God expects a bit of enthusiasm in return for His best.

It Seems Forever

It seems forever since I have picked up my pen. I allowed the everyday life I lead to get in the way of exploring my continuing relationship with God. How odd, and how like me to forget just who has given me this precious gift of life, and just what I am to do with it.

"Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the desert and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the Angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush." (Ex 3:1,2)

The vision of the Angel of the Lord (in the old testament this generally refers to an appearance by the Lord) came to Moses while he was involved in his everyday work. This is exactly where the Lord delights in giving His revelations. He seeks us traveling an ordinary road, and "...suddenly a light from heaven..." (Acts 9:3) shines on us, or a "...stairway resting on the earth..." (Gen 28:12) can reach from the marketplace to heaven, transforming a life from one of drudgery to one of grace.

Abba, help me to expect You as I travel the ordinary road of life. I am not asking for sensational experiences. I am asking for you to fellowship with me through my everyday work and service, and to be my companion when I take an ordinary journey. And let my humble life be transformed by your presence.

Some Christians think they must always be on the mountaintop of extraordinary joy and revelation, but this is not God's way. Those high spiritual times and wonderful communications with the unseen world are not promised to us, but a life of daily communication with Him is. And it is enough for us, for He will give us those times of exceptional revelation if it is the right thing for us.

Only three disciples were allowed to witness Jesus' transfiguration, the same three who also experienced the darkness of Gethsemane. No one can stay on the mountaintop of favor forever, for there are responsibilities in the valley. The value of the vision, and the accompanying glory is the gift of equipping us for service and endurance.

Miracles Do Happen

Suddenly an angel of the Lord appeared and a light shone in the cell. He struck Peter on the side and woke him up. "Quick, get up!" he said, and the chains fell off Peter's wrists. (Acts 12:7)

About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God... Suddenly there was such a violent earthquake that the foundations of the prison were shaken. At once all the prison doors flew open, and everybody's chains came loose. (Acts 16:25-26)

This is the way God works! In our darkest hour, He walks to us across the waves, just as an angel came to Peter's cell as execution day dawned. God has a simplicity about Him that defies my logic. Yet He is much more resourceful than I can imagine. He is more than equal to any circumstance in my life. He may keep me waiting, but He will remember His promise to me and will appear in time to fulfill His sacred Word that cannot be broken.

I live free of regrets today, the prison I created in destroying my marriage through alcohol and drug abuse has been leveled to its foundation. I still ache for her, and what we shared, but it no longer holds me prisoner. That may always remain as the "thorn in my flesh". To see her rise and flourish has been a painful answer to a prayer that God grant her every good thing in life. And maybe He will again present me with the one He meant for me to be with. But wishing things were different has been a chain, now broken by His Holy Spirit guiding me to an unknown future, free from fears and worries about what it holds.

Not knowing what surprises He has in store for me is an exciting challenge. With scarcely 9 months of sobriety I have the honor and privilege of guiding 3 men through the steps, just as my sponsor continues to walk me through them. That the four of us share faith, (I am still working on witnessing to my sponsor) and common experiences helps to keep me strong. But foremost in my mind today remains the knowledge that God, in His providence, has thousands of keys to open thousands of different doors in order to deliver His own, no matter how desperate the situations become. I need only be faithful to do my part, to believe in Him and step out in faith, and place Christ's part on Him and leave it there.

Less to Say

...You will see neither wind nor rain, yet this valley will be filled with water, and you, your cattle and your other animals will drink. This is an easy thing in the eyes of the Lord... (2 Kings 3:17-18)

Is anything too hard for the Lord? (Gen 18:14)

The phrase from 2 Kings follows some specific instructions delivered by the prophet Elisha and ends with some equally specific promises. Directives and promises: the Lord will graciously provide for His people, but they must respond to His Word in faith and obedience. The preceding verse (v.16) states, This is what the Lord says... His request that we act in faith.

In my own life God has intervened in miraculous ways, and still I balk. For those who follow baseball, the term balk has become another gray area. I can do nothing about baseball, but I can do something about the way I respond to His asking that I step out in faith. Especially since Nothing is too hard for the Lord.

My Kerrith Ravine

A dear friend faithfully kept my ramblings penned while in jail, just over a year ago. Re-reading those unmedicated diatribes presents me with a chilling portrait of just how sick I was, but also serves to validate how far I have come. Suffering from a treatable mental illness is OK now, with treatment. I didn't always think so.

But even at the worst of my illness, in jail for months without treatment of any kind, I can see how God had me all along. From June 30, 2008: "Today I was actually able to rise before the morning cacophony and get in my Bible study. Chapters 30-31 of Proverbs, 1 Cor 13, a Psalm and some readings from John and Matthew. Recognized something today from my readings I had not noticed before. While all the Gospels record Peter's denial of Jesus 3 times - only John records Peters' having been restored to fellowship with the Lord.

"Even more poignant is that Jesus ask Peter 3 times 'Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?' see John 21:15-19, the number of Peter's denials. [My sentence structure and punctuation excused, please] The passage reports that Peter was 'grieved' at being asked 3 times and I find myself identifying with Peter. I do not like to be questioned repeatedly - ESPECIALLY when I am guilty of something. I want to be forgiven without being made to feel guilty, yet that feeling of guilt is what brings on remorse, and remorse is what causes the behavioral change that demonstrates repentance; or at least in my world. I don't know that any notable theologians would agree with those thoughts."

After that passage, my writing disintegrates into some frightening observations of life in jail, much of which I recall with a shudder. But I see, in looking back, that I needed to be still and recover my contact with Him.

1 Kings 17 opens with the prophet Elijah being told to "Hide in the Kerith Ravine." Why hide out? Why be fed by ravens, a none-too-pleasant carrion feeder? And then to have to stay there until "Sometime later the brook dried up"? Elijah would need to look back on the experience to understand the why.

The purpose of my jail time I can't say for certain, but while there I did rediscover the value of alone time with God, and in a discipline of daily reading and prayer. I learned a lot about powerlessness and trust in Him. One way or the other, we must all learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may only last for a season, but the Giver is the only eternal love.

Kerith Ravine was a difficult problem for Elijah until he arrived at Zarephath, and suddenly everything became clear as daylight to him. Gods hard instructions are never His last word to us, for the woes, the waste, and the tears of life belong to its interlude, not its finale.

"He touched their eyes and said, 'Become what you believe.'" (Matt 9:29 TM)

Is there a difference between faith and belief? Jesus told these men they could be what they believed. What do I believe? I believe I am saved. My eternity is secured in the arms of my Savior. I believe I am forgiven; this going hand-in-hand with salvation, of course. But what else do I truly believe? Or more to the point, where does my unbelief, my doubt, lie?

"Immediately the boys father exclaimed, 'I do believe; help me with my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:24 NIV) In the exchange preceeding this passage, Jesus had just told a sick boy's father that there is no room for "if", or doubt, in a believers' life. Yet many have plagued me, do so still. And I consider myself a believer. "Become what you believe," or "According to your faith will it be done to you, (NIV)" both seem to suggest that doubts about our Lords' power and authority over everything led, or at least contributed, to my failures as a husband, a father, a recovering person and in so many other areas of my life. In the ensuing unmanageability, these areas of my life were removed from me. But I need to look at those words again.

"According to your faith will it be done to you" does not say in proportion to your faith. A better understanding would be to say Because you have faith it will be so. Faith can not be used as a tool to manipulate God. It would be futile to think that God would not see through the logic of saying, "The more you give me the more faith I will have."

True faith allows the surrender of my life to God, not just selected areas of it. Being human, and possessed of a vicious self-will, I get in my own way. The faith I have today is more mature than the faith I had when I was younger. It is more forgiving, accepting, generous, trusting, serving, thoughtful, reverent, worshipful, joyful, praising, and human. It is no longer lip-service to a concept, but it more resembles a child-like belief that I serve a God who doesn't want me to fail any more than I must in order to develop my character. And His faith in me makes me stronger.

In My Life

In a wilderness of mirrors,
truths concealed behind reflections,
of reflections, of reflections,
I must learn to be who I am
or be rendered insensate
by repeated assaults on core beliefs.

Enlightenment comes slowly,
questions with increasing rapidity,
but the search for answers
always brings a finding -
great mysteries often shrouded
in complete simplicity.

A line of birds silhouetted
by a descending, golden sun
dance across the waves,
and I summon distant memories
of those times, that life we shared,
when we walked hand in hand
through the surf's break.

I could die a little each day,
the waiting killing me,
but I've lived in that cage,
too long marking days
by the passing of damaging emotions;
the loss of compassion
putting a hard edge on a life
now softened by eyes
that reignite a zeal,
brought forth in a single being,
a solitary caress.

I Stand Transformed

Entirely, as spring consumes the snow,
the thought of you consumes me: I am found
in rivulets, dissolved to what I know
of former winters' passions. Underground,
perhaps one slender icicle remains
of what I was before, in some dark cave -
a stalactite, long calcified, now drains
to sodden pools where milky liquid laves
the colder rock and washes something clean
that never saw the light, that never knew
the crust could break above, that light could stream
so luminous,
so bright,
so beautiful...
I lie revealed, and so I stand transformed,
and all because you smiled on me, and warmed.

Going Sailing

August 30, 2009

My son got married yesterday! And yes, I did cry, but no snot-bubbles. Barefoot on a beach, the carnelian and azure of the water behind them and the mountains proclaiming Gods' power and might surrounding them. It was a moment I will always remember and hold close to my heart. The two of them have learned some powerful lessons of life and love in the past three years, and the values of trials.

"Others went out on the sea in ships; they were merchants on the mighty waters. They saw the works of the Lord, His wonderful deeds in the deep." (PS 107:23-24)

The person who has not learned that every wind that blows can be used to guide us toward heaven has certainly not mastered the art of sailing, and is nothing more than an apprentice. In fact, the only thing that helps no one is a dead calm. Every wind that blows, from every direction, may help us toward the port of Heaven.

So seek only this; to stay well out to sea - and then have no fear of stormy winds. May our prayer be that of an old English sea-farer. "Oh Lord, send us into the deep waters of the sea, for we are so close to the shore that even a small breeze from the devil could break our ship to pieces on the rocks."

Remember that faith reaches its greatest strength while in the middle of trials, and confidence in the flesh and complacency will never endure testing. Fair weather faith is not faith at all.

On Prayer

"The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer-ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and he knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:

Our Father in heaven, Reveal who you are. Set the world right; Do what's best— as above, so below. Keep us alive with three square meals. Keep us forgiven with you and forgiving others. Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil. You're in charge! You can do anything you want! You're ablaze in beauty! Yes. Yes. Yes." (Matt 6:7-13 TM)

A diagnosis of colorectal cancer has recently brought me to my knees, and taught me some valuable lessons about prayer. I have also developed a new appreciation for Him. I have always believed that God, who hears all prayers, said "yes" to some, "no" to others, and "maybe, but not now" to the rest.

No prayer goes unanswered. To the very degree it is fervently held as truth, to that degree will it be made manifest in my experience. It is not God's function to create, or uncreate, the circumstance or conditions of my life. He created me, in His image and likeness. I have created the rest, through the power He gave each of us, free will. In this sense, my will for me is God's will for me.

If I beg and supplicate, it stands to reason that there is a smaller chance that I will experience what I think I am asking for. It seems to me that the correct prayer is one of gratitude for what he has already done. And gratitude cannot be used as a tool to manipulate God.

I get caught up in the outcome of my prayers, and forget that to some degree at least, God is not concerned about this outcome. This is because the ultimate outcome is already assured. It is doubt about the ultimate outcome that created my greatest enemy, fear. If I doubt the outcome, I must doubt God. And if I doubt God then I must live in fear and shame my entire life. If I doubt God's intentions, and God's ability to produce the ultimate result, then how can I ever relax? How can I ever truly find peace?

How I Love

I don't love you as if you were a rose,
a precious stone, or a favorite food.
I love you as one loves something more obscure,
secretly, between life and soul.
I love you as a plant that does not bloom
but carries the light of those flowers hidden within itself.
And thanks to your love, the scent that arose within
still lives dimly within my body.
I love you without knowing how,
or when, or from where;
I love you directly, without problems or pride.
I love you like this because
I do not know any other way to love,
except in this form in which I am not,
nor are you,
So close that your hand upon my chest is mine,
So close that your eyes close with my dreams.

My Trembling Pen

Poetic whispers of a kiss

to set my lips afire -

to send my pen trembling

across this open page.

I would touch you with desire,

with the flames of my confession

as such longing for your mystery

entices me, Imbibe!

As I sprawl across these sheets

lying naked and exposed,

I invite you to explore

the hidden mystery of my soul.

Scar me with the traces

of your poetic pen.

Endow me with the pleasures where -

the trembling thus began.

Reflections on an Easter Weekend Backpacking Trip

How disappointed He must have been. His followers arguing over who was greater. So he washed their feet. They had all been given the chance to serve Him, had failed the test.

My brain cries "Tell them! Tell them to wash Your feet!" But He forgave instead. Double-tongued promise breakers, fair-weather friends; they would leave Him at the cross, or sooner. They made promises that night; they made tracks the next day. While He was beaten, they beat feet.

In my life i have come to experience sorrow, yet nothing like His. Left to my illness, questions unanswered, holding the bag, out in the cold. Logic says, "Put up your fists." He says, "Fill up the basin." My head screams, "Bloody his nose!" He whispers, "Wash his feet." I protest, "She doesn't deserve it." Jesus answers, "You're right, and neither do you."

Amidst this garden of wildflowers, these stems of gentle strength, rooted in truth, my word-petals of praise amount to nothing but weeds in light of His sacrifice. The Author of all i see, the Creator of time itself made me but a footspan on eternity's trail.

Because of Him, of what He did, I live free from the compulsion of retribution. The pain of accumulated hurts sheds itself from my heart. And Love, a Love that never fails, offering the Life I had so often rejected, taken for granted, spurned in favor of temporal pleasure, wells up inside me, reminding me that Love is only Love if chosen. And Love never fails.

I Need to Hear This Again

Sometimes I write because I need to be heard. Sometimes it is because of things I am afraid I won't get to say. Sometimes I re-post older stuff because I need the reminder when I get those niggling little doubts. Today is seemingly the latter.

A dear friend faithfully kept my ramblings penned while in jail, just over a year ago. Re-reading those unmedicated diatribes presents me with a chilling portrait of just how sick I was, but also serves to validate how far I have come. Suffering from a treatable mental illness is OK now, with treatment. I didn't always think so.

But even at the worst of my illness, in jail for months without treatment of any kind, I can see how God had me all along. From June 30, 2008: "Today I was actually able to rise before the morning cacophony and get in my Bible study. Chapters 30-31 of Proverbs, 1 Cor 13, a Psalm and some readings from John and Matthew. Recognized something today from my readings I had not noticed before. While all the Gospels record Peter's denial of Jesus 3 times - only John records Peters' having been restored to fellowship with the Lord.

"Even more poignant is that Jesus ask Peter 3 times 'Simon, son of Jonah, do you love me?' see John 21:15-19, the number of Peter's denials. [My sentence structure and punctuation excused, please] The passage reports that Peter was 'grieved' at being asked 3 times and I find myself identifying with Peter. I do not like to questioned repeatedly - ESPECIALLY when I am guilty of something. I want to be forgiven without being made to feel guilty, yet that feeling of guilt is what brings on remorse, and remorse is what causes the behavioral change that demonstrates repentance; or at least in my world. I don't know that any notable theologians would agree with those thoughts."

After that passage, my writing disintegrates into some frightening observations of life in jail, much of which I recall with a shudder. But I see, in looking back, that I needed to be still and recover my contact with Him.

1 Kings 17 opens with the prophet Elijah being told to "Hide in the Kerith Ravine." Why hide out? Why be fed by ravens, a none-too-pleasant carrion feeder? And then to have to stay there until "Sometime later the brook dried up"?

The purpose of my jail time I can't say for certain, but while there I did rediscover the value of alone time with God, and in a discipline of daily reading and prayer. I learned a lot about powerlessness and trust in Him. One way or the other, we must all learn the difference between trusting in the gift and trusting in the Giver. The gift may only last for a season, but the Giver is the only eternal love.

Kerith Ravine was a difficult problem for Elijah until he arrived at Zarephath, and suddenly everything became clear as daylight to him. Gods hard instructions are never His last word to us, for the woes, the waste, and the tears of life belong to its interlude, not its finale.

My Light is Too Dim

...God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. (1 John 1:5)

My light is too dim to hold back all my dark. And yet, "...if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his son, purifies us from all sin. (1 John 1:7)

Throughout his writings, John uses metaphors to illustrate his points, light representing what is good, true and holy; darkness representing what is evil and false; and walk a metaphor for living. John's pastoral writings encourage us "to have fellowship" with Him, and with each other.I for one need that fellowship. I need the support of believers in my daily life. I need encouragement to continue the good fight.John uses the word sin 27 times in his first epistle. That sounds like a metaphor for pay attention here to me. Sin severs my walk with God, cuts it short. Since God so graciously sent His only Begotten Son "so that [I] would have life" (find it in John's Gospel), and I don't want my walk (living) cut short, I need a way to be rid of my sin. My Abba was also gracious enough to provide that.If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) John packs some very important concepts into his first letter, important concepts for my daily Christian walk. In so doing, he reveals perhaps the greatest need I have for Christian fellowship. How do I go about this problem of confession? What is confession, anyway?The Greek word John used that translates as "confess" means "to say the same thing as", or "to agree with." It is less of a grocery list of my wrongdoings than it is an understanding that I live in a state of sin - "off the mark" is how sin translates.
... confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. (James 5:16) The issue of confession is not about keeping my relationship with God alive. Regardless of how I am living here on this planet, my relationship with God exists. I want my fellowship with Him restored. I want my walk with Him to continue. I want that spiritual connection with my brothers and sisters in Christ to improve. I want to be healed.