Being Judged

Unless I am wrong there will come a day when I meet God. Not the God of my understanding, but GOD, Himself. I will have to give an accounting for how I conducted myself on this side of eternity. As embarrassing as parts of my fifth step were, even with an understanding sponsor, as painful as my court appearances have been, I don't think they even scratch the emotional surface of what that moment will be like.

To be in God's presence means that I am going to have my life appraised, its value determined, to be seen and known as I really am. And that means that all of my life will be evaluated in light of God's hopes and dreams for me, and for the role He desired me to fill in His world. An all-seeing, all-knowing, ever-present God as judge and jury; just think about that for a moment. And as death is inescapable, so is judgment.

The choices I made, the words I said, the things I have thought, the attitudes and habits I preferred, all will be pulled together at the close of this story I find myself in. Who I have become and what I have done will be clear in God's eyes, but I believe at that moment it will be made clear to me. I will then see myself through the eyes of One who is perfectly gracious and just, perfectly merciful and holy.

I can imagine God saying to some,"Well done, good and faithful servant. You have helped advance My story toward My dreams. You fed the hungry, clothed the naked, shared your bread with the poor. Wherever you went you contributed to love, peace, generosity, truth, courage, sacrifice, kindness, faithfulness and justice. You enriched My story with your life, enhanced its beauty, drama and nobility. You have become someone good and beautiful and true. Your unique contributions and creativity will never be forgotten and even your smallest act of kindness will be eternally remembered, celebrated and rewarded.

"After naming and forgiving and forgetting your many faults and failures, I see so much substance to your character, so much to cherish, so much of value. You are now set free, given a new beginning in my new creation. You have an eternal place in My story!" I think this is what entrance to heaven will be like.

In my life, this story I find myself in, I have been in positions that required me to release people from their employment. It was always painful to do. Men and women with families to support, hopes and dreams of their own, often not understanding the why of their termination.

I can only imagine how a loving God would feel at judgment day, having to break His own heart. "Sadly, your contributions to My story were neutral or negative. You have added more pain and selfishness, dishonesty, coldness, greed and clutter to My creation. You turned your back on those who needed you, broke promises and My covenants. I tried in every way possible to get through to you but you didn't respond to my grace or rely on My strength. Even if I forgive and forget all the bad you have done, is there enough of your character left to continue existing in My new creation? And would you even like living with me in a story you you have not contributed to; have avoided, minimized, resisted, run from and subverted all your life?

"The comforts you chose as you pursued your dreams and your possessions have been your reward. But in terms of My dreams and desires you squandered your chance to be an unforgettable character in My story. Your story has been a tragedy of missed opportunity."

Recent events in my life have caused me to think about eternity in a different light. At the close of last summer I was diagnosed with an easily defeated cancer. I think that was the warm-up round. The situation I am in now does not have such a ready solution. Barrett's Esophagus with dysplasia, stage II cancer, an aggregate 16% five year survival; why am I not frightened by this?

I think the reason for my peace is summed up in one word, Jesus. Perhaps it is more accurately stated that my peace and strength lie in one person, the persona of God in Jesus. It will be Jesus who passes judgement on my life. Jesus, who was sent to point the way to how I should live. Jesus, whose birth, life, sacrifice, death on the cross and resurrection beckon me onward, call me into the future to a judgment day I am certain to face.

I am certain of something else. too. It will embarrass me to tears to confess my sins to Him, in front of His Father, in the presence of the Holy Spirit. The question, "What did you do with what I gave you?" will likely elicit a stammering, blubbering response, if I can speak at all. But in this moment, right here, right now, I have no fear of that day.