Drawbacks to Living Mindfully

In recent years I have studied bits and pieces of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, or DBT. In one form, that I have studied two times, it was called Mood Management, taught by an instructor by the name of M. Moody (I'm not making this up), and that title explains more of its function than does the DBT label.

A key element of DBT is the practice of mindfulness, a particularly useful zen concept. Mindfullness, doing things mindfully, requires me to be present in everything I do. Confused? How often do you find yourself in "automatic" mode, doing thing by rote, unaware of your movement or even your thoughts? Mindfullness is a practice that involves me at a very conscious level in everything I do. That is the reference to being "present"; to be in the moment. I think of it now as trying to suck the marrow out of every moment in life.

That level of consciousness immerses me in my experiences and draws me out of myself. It allows me to focus on aspects of my life where I struggle. It helps me to detach from areas of emotional pain, or the practice of bad habits, when I am in a state of distress.

Heady stuff, to be certain, especially if your mind is as damaged as is mine. The peculiar mental/emotional illness combination from which I suffer falls in a category referred to as a "Borderline Personality Disorder." I dislike that label. No, that's not accurate. I despise that label. It sounds sinister. It conjures up images of serial killers lurking around corners. It calls to mind reports of disturbed men who are the product of a childhood where no one noticed Junior's fondness for torturing small animals.

Or maybe I simply need another medication change, to a pill that takes me to the place where I simply don't care about things like labels. Enough Clonopin or Xanex and I will forget..... Where was I going with that thought?

But where is God in that route? I do not denounce the medical profession for their interest in pursuing a chemical fix to a problem that stems from a chemical imbalance in my brain. But does a pharmacological cocktail accomplish the purpose God had in mind? Does it even allow me to work toward that purpose from my heart?

I have been studying, practicing and attempting to apply the mindfulness principle of DBT for the past nine months, with varying degrees of success. It is amazingly beneficial to emotional well-being. It has carried me through periods where funds were unavailable to renew prescriptions for the psychotropic fix suggested by my therapist. And withdrawal from those meds was less fun than was the swine flu at Christmas.

This morning, the simple act of drawing a breath, the cool air rushing through my nostrils, carrying faint scents of freshly mown grass and the nearby roses in the park where I have paused to pray and worship my God, The God, brings delight that exceeds the most memorable drug experience I recall. My chest and abdomen expand, drawing Him in, or was He already there awaiting my awakening today? The slightly warmed exhale releases even more cares to the surrounding mix of filtered sunlight, the pines overhead providing another pungent layer to my experience. The belief that this is how He will care for me today fills my spirit.

The flapping of flags on the stiffening breeze brings me to a different consciousness, and my feet want to walk. Having completed my worship I acquiesce. It's time to return to my truck and prepare a bit of oatmeal. Passing shopkeepers sweeping sidewalks and placing signs, cafe's, restaurants and bistros serving breakfasts, or preparing the fare of the day for diners yet to arrive, dogs leading masters by the leash, a light air carrying wondrous scents and flavors to my senses, I find myself at the beach.

Lost in thought, caught up in enjoyment of the moment, I missed my turn quite some time back. I will have to backtrack - later. I think I will stay in the moment for a while.