Hope Is a Most Terrible Thing

This sounds contradictory to much of what I write about. And it is. It has been some time since I posted any new ramblings or rants. While I have been writing (some of those I will post at a later date) it has been a time of processing for me and allowing myself to heal physically and emotionally.

In the midst of my battle with cancer my ex-wife came back into my life for a period of time. I still love her so. Always have. Always will. Against my own better judgement, I allowed her to begin to work her way back into my heart. You see, I had learned in the past year that I could still love her yet not allow her a place in my life. I allowed hope to build in my much damaged spirit, hope that we could rebuild our marriage.

I was led to believe that that we had time to work on the healing. We spent time together, God honoring time. I tried with my limited resources (other than time, of which I have plenty) to befriend her, as she did me. We even went to look at an apartment she wanted to rent. I allowed her individual time and her space to process her own losses of recent months. I understand emotional pain, especially the type of pain that stems from individual decisions.

But I realized too late that I had been mis-led. I realized too late that once again my emotions had been entangled in a relationship over which I had no influence or power of choice. I realized too late that the woman who plucks the strings of my heart had not been honest with me about the relationship she never really left. It turns out that I was the only one who had been left.

Why does God allow me to have hope, especially when He knows there is no basis for that hope? Why does He allow hope when there is no possibility of those hopes being met? And if hope is to be allowed, why does He allow it to hurt so deeply when I am crushed?

I have only myself to blame for this pain I must again endure. You see, my pain is self inflicted. I placed my hope in another human being. As long as my hope rests in anyone who occupies this world I am setting myself up for failure. And with failure comes pain.

I truly believe God's word is the truth and still the ultimate authority in today's world. I believe God wanted me to see that He has other plans for me. My wishes for me are not what He considers of primary importance. His wishes for me are of primary importance to Him and to me and I must learn to place my hope in Him and Him alone.