Living vs. Surviving

A therapist whose counsel I was blessed with helped me to this realization: What we do in order to survive is often different from what we may need to do in order to live. In fact my survival skills and tools may work at cross purposes to my living. Worse yet, the practice of survival skills can become so ingrained I may forget how to live.

Many of my survival skills were about tolerance of the unacceptable in and around me; skills about coping with an out-of-control existence. Survival skills are largely about reducing the world's impact on me, and expediting my withdrawal from the world.

I have observed a phenomenon among many of the world's withdrawn. Through the loss of connection they often become more vulnerable emotionally; not all, but many do. Encampments of homeless men and women often demonstrate this in their protectiveness of their "family." At the heart of vulnerability is the ability to share that with others who are similarly vulnerable. This is basic even to recovery - one suffering soul can best reach another..

It is also reflected in the difference between "communication" and "connection." I blog. I Facebook. I often post excerpts from blogs on Facebook. That is all communication. But is not connection. In large part I am still learning about connection.

I suppose that listening to another person is the most powerful way to begin connecting. I have ceased to tell many people just how I am in recent months. It seems that no matter how I try to explain the experiences of cancer, homelessness, divorce or simply how I am right now, the pain I have dealt with somehow becomes a story about themselves. It is too lonely talking with them. The interruption to explain how they have had "something just like that happen" severs the connection.

In this journey I have come to some wonderful insights. Primary among them is my belief that our imperfection and our pain is what allows us closer. In drawing together, we share joy. At the very heart of intimacy lies vulnerability. I cannot trust someone with mine unless I see a matching vulnerability in them. In that way I know I will be free of judgement.

Equally important is this; I cannot become happy by ignoring suffering in myself and in others. The part of me that feels suffering is the same part that recognizes joy.