Abandonment

I have been obsessed with the idea of living a normal life. That life, for most of mine, has been defined by what I call the "White Picket Dream"; a nine to five job, Monday through Friday, maybe a bit of time and a half on Saturday, going to church on Sunday morning, and a barbecue in the afternoon. There are lawns to mow, faucets in need of repair, some flowers to plant and a garage that constantly needs to be reorganized and swept.

A wife who loves me, my wife, greets me with a kiss at the end of the day. We cook dinner together, talking of our day. Dishes get done, hopes and dreams are shared; tomorrow begins with setting up the morning's coffee before slipping under the covers... and drifting off to dream of how wonderful my life truly is. It's a fairy tale existence, idyllic and much romanticized, and it never really happened that way for any length of time.

Reality intrudes loudly on that vision of normal life. The money doesn't quite go far enough to pay the bills, cover all the needs, and provide for a few wants; and differing opinions of wants versus needs create discord. The dog tears out some of the flowers and gophers get the rest. Dinner get burned because of a disagreement over how to handle the children's behavior and the need for medical equipment disrupts the the bedtime routine. A surrealistic reality supplants the dream.

In forsaking my white picket dream I find freedom. These past years of struggle and loss have taught me that life is what was going on while I was seeking what I wanted. I missed out on some really god things, lost many others and threw the rest away.

That dream of hearth and home still exists, however. It is tempered now by an acceptance of the reality, truth. By abandoning the safe comfort of certainties in favor of truth I am rewarded by more realistic dreams. Relationships with friends and family are rooted in the things that matter to each of us. By abandoning my selfish desires in favor of being 'others focused' I am also able to more quickly spot the people who cling to selfish desires, pray for them and move to windward, often the harder path.

By embracing my struggles I have been set free of worry about cause, effect and direction this life takes me. I often hear in meetings that we must live life on life's terms. I disagree. I need to live life on God's terms. I am certain to write more on that later.