On Love

Often, what we call love is merely desire. That desire is to awaken in another the responsibility of flattering the self of which we are uncertain. It is essentially the encounter of two weaknesses. This is particularly true of relationships that are crippled from the start by a confusion of sex and love. That which I want to awaken in others is generally a fulfillment of my sexual needs. To be certain, sex plays a role in love, but as a society we have come to place too great an importance on it.

To truly love another human being is an amazing gift to myself. But to accomplish this, my 'self' must first be put to death. I must have the self-less-ness to love that person exactly as I want to be loved. And this presupposes that I am emotionally developed enough to truly know my own needs. My consuming desire must be to know, accept, appreciate, to cherish and honor another soul exactly as they are - not as I wish they were, or presently might be, or even what I might make them to be. Especially not what I might make them to be.

To truly love I must understand that at any given moment there may be many unlovable traits or actions in another person. These shortcomings may last for a moment, a minute, a time, a season or a lifetime. But if I truly love I will find the desire to overlook them, not the wish to change them. To quote Wm. Shakespeare, "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."

Lest you think I have not thought this proposition through, there may well be reasons I should not keep someone I love in my life by simply overlooking those things that are detrimental to my own well being. But these must be looked at on a case-by-case basis. An abusive relationship, or a relationship where one's beloved has begun to engage in unacceptable behaviors require deep thought and prayer for guidance.

Love seeks to make someone else happy, not to seek happiness. My happiness (in a loving relationship) must stem from the delight I receive at seeing her joy. If I am causal in that joy I can never expect or demand that it be returned. There is no quid pro quo in love. Love is a spendthrift; it leaves the calculator at home and may always be awash in red ink.

To love someone is to take a risk. It is to say, "I may be crushed by this but I will do it regardless of outcome." Love cannot protect itself. To do so would be to offer less than my whole, leaving me uncommitted. Contrary to modern opinion, any emotion that protects itself can not be complete. To stand with one foot on each side of the line is to live only partial experiences.

I point to the example of my Savior who preached that we should love and care for each other until the day He died. I am a realist, too. I don't claim to have much mastery of the selfless love Christ demonstrated. Agape - the Greek word for what Christ demonstrated - will always be a better concept than reality. But it is not an excuse for failing to try.

I think fear holds back most people who have yet to experience genuinely abiding love; fear of the unknown, fear of the pain of rejection, fear of being unable to fulfill our side of the contract - for love is an emotional contract, eternally binding. It could never be reduced to paper or even fully verbalized. It is not legally binding, but it does tie us to a commitment, to a covenant relationship.

And at the end, the only love which has lasted is the love which has endured everything; every disappointment, every failure, every betrayal, every sorrow, a love that has accepted the reality that in the end, as at the beginning, there is no desire so deep as the simple need to be known, and loved and accepted exactly as we are.