Applying Lessons Learned

I lost track of this rant for a while

April 4, 2010

I recall a day when it dawned on me that some of the wisdom I was hearing in recovery was percolating through my thick skull. The day itself was not so memorable, it was the realization that maybe things were just not so bad as they seemed. That today just didn't suck as bad as yesterday.

Changes that develop in me over time may go unnoticed by me for prolonged periods. But because I desire them and am willing to work toward them they do come. My point of reference shifts even more slowly, or maybe it just moves less frequently than I do. Lying in the gutter, a gopher mound appears an insurmountable obstacle, but once on my feet I realize I can step over it handily.

The point of reference I am examining today is psychic change - the psychic change Dr. Silkworth wrote of for the first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous. That is the psychic change required to keep me away from a drink. That change becomes less and less about drinking with each passing day I do not drink. It becomes more and more about behavioral and attitudinal changes resulting from a change in my heart and in my mind.

Case in point; I am not the most observant of my own behaviors, thoughts or even my body. Monday and Thursday are doughnut days at my morning meeting. Since treatment for esophageal cancer swallowing has been painful. But one day it dawned on me as I was finishing my pastry that it hadn't been painful swallowing. It was merely uncomfortable. "When did that happen" was my thought.

As I grow in my recovery those types of experiences are becoming more common. "When did I stop being so resentful?" "When did I become anything that someone would describe as kind?" (That actually happened) "Why am I so comfortable with homelessness?" "How is it that I find battling cancer to be spiritually uplifting?" "Is it possible that I am smiling today? For no particular reason?"

At the end of my meetings a passage is read that states "[changes will come] sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them." I think this to be somewhat inaccurate. These changes will materialize if we let them.