The sky radiated gold and red, transitioning quickly through blue to black, and all at the same time. This is my favorite time of the day, when I will regularly be found at the beach soaking in the last rays of light, reflecting on my day.
My daily inventory was good today. Nothing to apologize for, except for the things I did not do. I did not tell those who matter most to me that I love them.
I am having a hard time with that word again. For a season it was easy to say, and I know that I meant it when I said it. Having begged God at one time for a heart of love I thank Him for the experiences that love has brought into my life. But this emotional struggle is just too much today.
Love is a very powerful force, closely resembling a drug in my opinion. And as a drug it has addictive properties. But I believe those properties are exactly what God intended for them to be.
I don't refer to what passes for love today, where two people fall madly in bed together for a period of time only to part company when the passion fades. My thoughts go to the type of love as intended by the creator, a love that transcends time, place and circumstance; a type of love that is both conscious and unconscious.
In active addiction, the power of choice is lost by the addict. What was fun at first becomes something that requires my continued participation, and changes me. It is no longer a question of if, but of when and how much. Conscious of being caught by the addiction, I am compelled to continue using by factors largely unconscious.
This is very much a picture of love and an image of its power. Initially, love brings nothing but joy to a life. Over time, however, as the initial bliss becomes marred by the problems of life, love moves to being a choice that is made. I choose to love someone in spite of the "problems" that love exposes me to. But in God's realm, the granting of a heart of love removes the power of choice. Love becomes a force, a power all its own.
In His answer to my prayer God made it clear to me that the granting of my request was an irrevocable gift. I very nearly lost my mind in my recent divorce, the anguish creating an emotional confusion that I am still recovering from. But along with a heart of love He granted the ability to forgive, and the ability to trust that "He will never leave nor forsake [me]. (Deut 31:6)
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